Jonathan S Fisher's Life Adventures

Archive for June, 2013

Confessions of my teen years part 2

So, like I’m sitting here listening to “I Need You To Love Me” by Barlowgirl and there is a lot on my mind right now. Isn’t there ever a time when there isn’t a lot on my mind? Well, the song plus I also am staring at a picture of my foster family that is my desktop background is triggering thoughts of the past. To be honest, I am playing the song on purpose and I am thinking of my family on purpose. I am actually playing a playlist of Barlowgirl songs. Barlowgirl was one of my favorite artists (still is) when I was living with my family and I would sing along with it everyday in my mom’s sight.

I remember those days like they were yesterday. I was 16 and had decided to take my own path then. All I was searching for was acceptance and love. I never seemed to have felt that. I mean, like yes my mom and dad did try to help me out in schooling and tried to get me involved with music (as far as reading it and performing on the piano. Yes, they bought me a big old Baldwin piano). Yes, they did say that they loved me, but something wasn’t quite right. In their eyes, they would tell you that I was angry because I wasn’t getting my way and that I disrespected them. In my eyes, however, I knew they weren’t going to accept me for not wanting to be “normal” like them and I knew they never would like the fact that I had homosexuality in me. So, I rebelled.

They viewed it as rebellion. I viewed it as a simple way of finding my own independency. I didn’t follow their rules. Such as they had made the rule that I had to wait till I was 18 to use the internet and get a facebook. Well, I went against that wish and I not only had myself a Facebook account, but I also used the internet to look up other things and join dating sites. I remember the first crush I had ever was this 18 year old kid who lived in the next county over and we were supposed to meet, but he chickened out when he saw my family (Lord! I didn’t know about the underage law then) and I only saw him walk the other way. That very night I think he tried to break into the house to come sleep with me in my bedroom, but he was unsuccessful and woke my mom up. She called the police and he ran. I never heard from him after that night and I also had to tell my mom about everything. She paniced and blocked me from using the internet. That didn’t stop me and only made me more rebellious.

I figured out the password to the computer and unblocked everything and continued to chat with other guys. None of them met me anyways. It was always chatting and showing me pornographic images. I was exploring my sexuality then and realized I was homosexual then. I continued to rebel against my parents wishes and did whatever made me feel comfortable being myself. I started to go to church on Sunday (My parents were strict Seventh Day Adventists and went to church on Saturdays. I didn’t believe in this denomination because they were against homosexuals and I had to hide my sexuality in the church. I didn’t really and was always open about it. I think I upset the church pastor and he had asked my parents to keep a cap on it. My parents knew they couldn’t do anything about it tho.) and then started listening to pop music (That was another rule they had: No other music than christian. My mom hated Lady Gaga and I loved it. I remember that when I once bought “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga that my mom knew she had lost and I was becoming my own independent self.).

Out of all the rebellion and independency I was searching for, I also made some friends and I failed horribly in highschool. I didn’t really care though and seeked more attention everyday. My heart was broken by the pain because my parents were pushing me away and I knew the day was going to come when I turned 18 and they would banish me. I didn’t want to change myself and disrespected my parents and we got into a lot of fights and a lot of tears were shed between my mom, my dad, and I. I still didn’t back down and still forced them to accept me for who I was and they continued to fight it. I then began cutting myself when I turned 17 to seek attention and ran away from home a lot. I also threatened to kill myself, brought in social services, and almost threw my dad into jail (by lying to the police saying he was a drugdealer and physically abused me). I went hardcore and rebelled bigtime and by that time my parents had known they lost the battle.

Hells, but they did more than just talk to me about it. They took my possessions and then my dad physically did abuse me. My mom would keep me in the house all the time (although, I always did run off) and she would sometimes yell at me and scream. I once did call her a f***ing bitch and she got upset about that. Although, she called me a snotbucket and immature and selfish. My dad was always protective over my mom, so he slapped me a couple of times and he sat on me once. He even called me some hurtful names such as a quitter, selfish brat, and immature. I was heartbroken and still seeked attention and real love.

Well, by the time I turned 17, I was shipped off to a treatment facility, by my will. I just wanted to get away from my family and continue to discover myself. See, before this I was in the mental hospital for quite some time and I actually learned to like it. There were other kids there who were just like me and some were even gay just like me! I was freely expressing myself there and had no trouble just being me. I kept myself there for 45 days. I was going to be discharged from the hospital a couple of times, but I liked being there too much and always came up with a reason why I needed to stay and threatened to kill myself every time (stupid doctors couldn’t see the real truth or if they did they sure played the game pretty well). I had my first kiss in the hospital by a hot young stud by the name of Michael Kilcullen and we almost did have sex right in that hospital, but I was caught kissing him and we both were separated. I also made a lot of good friends there and I was totally becoming 100% independent.

Well, I was shipped off to Poplar Springs Treatment Center (Commonly know as RTF) for six months after that. RTF was hell, but I learned many things there and had become 100% fully independent from my parents then. I had my second kiss there and I had fully become comfortable with my homosexuality. I had grown to express my inner self more vividly and had become more feminine in character. My mom knew this and gave up on me when I asked her to help me out with being a drag queen. My dad was more accepting of it, but he still held a grudge against me. So, after those six months, I was successfully discharged in June 2012 and went home. I was gone for 9 months from home then and when I came home things had changed.

My parents were still strict and still the same, but my siblings seemed to not care about me anymore. So, I spent that whole month continuing being myself and I expressed myself with out problems. My parents didn’t like this. They kicked me out during the day and then let me back in at evening to sleep. So, my 18th birthday came along and I was officially kicked out on that day into the streets and then my own homelessness story began and ties with my family were broken. I was banished forever and now My family don’t even care anymore what happens to me. So, that’s the story. Yeah, I forgot some details, but I will tell you about those sometime in the future.

I need to get going now. Will write later. Peace y’all!

-Jonathan Fisher

 

Beautiful Ending Barlowgirl

 

 

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Honest confessions and memories of my early/late teen years

The clock strikes 430AM. I’m Sitting here in this room all alone. Corsair is snoring in his bedroom. The cat, Rosie, is purring loudly as I pet him to sleep. It’s so peaceful and quiet. I should be asleep myself, but I am too deep in thought. Just sitting here thinking of the past and what happened last year. I remember those days. It seems like just yesterday. I was only 17, no 16 when my life started to go down the path it is in today. My parents would say it when I started making bad choices. I would say it was when I started to stand up for myself and sook acceptance. Here are a few facts about my past you might not know:

1. I was 16 when I first found out about same-sex couples and marriage
2. I hit puberty at the age of 11.5 and that made me wonder about sex
3. I had only known about sex between man and woman until I was 16.
4. I had anger issues in my early teen years and it was out of control. I held a knife to my mom’s chest once when I was 14 because I was having one of those anger moments and she was in my way.
5. I was abusive to my mom when I was a teenager and called her a bitch and other names, but my mom still loved me. She just gave up on me when I came out of the closet because I guess she didn’t want to have a gay son who was a crossdresser.
6. I came out of the closet when I was 17. Six months before my 18th birthday. I told my mom I was gay and wanted to be a drag queen and she lost it then as I said before.
7. I almost ended up in jail and on the sex offender list when I was 16 for sticking my finger up a female dog’s vagina. It’s a long story as to why I did this, but basically I did it because I was curious on how a vagina felt. Don’t judge me, please!!!! I am very sorry about it and there was no harm done (the dog liked it) but I AM SORRY ABOUT IT!!!!
8. I spent almost my whole 17th year in the mental hospital and in a treatment center. This was for the dog and because I was cutting myself and half suicidal.
9. I had a camera in my early teen years and made a mini video show called “Jonathan’s life in a crazy family” and it was a hit for me because I made up to 100 videos of me cooking,singing, baking, or cleaning. It was so much fun for me. I wish I put them on YouTube but my parents wouldn’t let me
10. I was homeschooled my whole teen years.
11. I ran away from home a lot in my early teen years, but always found my way home. I also went to the mental hospital a lot when I was 16.
12. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Depression when I was 16.
13. I created a cookbook in my early teen years. I was a very creative person in the kitchen and then my mom killed the creativity when she told me I could no longer create stuff in the kitchen.
14. I was scared of my dad in my teen years. I wouldn’t talk to him or ask any help from him because I was so scared he was going to hurt me.
15. I sang a lot when I was a teenager and my little sister, Tiffany was my backup vocal. We had the best times together ūüėČ
16. My brothers and I had never got along when I was a teenager. They hated me. I loved them to death and still do!
17. I was a very good organizer/janitor when I was a teenager ( I still am!!).
18. I journaled everyday in my early teens. I still have those journals! I have six full journals! I still journal, as you can see. It’s just more public now
19. I kissed 3 girls in my early teens. All them left me and told me I was gay.
20. I wanted to be 18 so bad when I was a teen. Ha! Well, now I wish I could go back and change a few things.
21. I made a bucket list when I was 16. I lost that list, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be making a new one soon ūüėČ
22. I was a very religious spiritual teen
23. I got baptized in the Seventh Day Adventist Church when I was 14.
24. My favorite subject in highschool was Bible and I got an plus in it!!
25. I took a lot of photographs when I was a teen. I still would if I had a camera!!

Phew! I think that’s enough memories!! Hope y’all enjoyed and please don’t judge me. I had my reasons and now am A better sane person!! Thanks for reading! Goodnite ūüėČ

-Jonathan S Fisher

Me and life.

Hey Readers,

What’s up? How’s it been lately? Summer is finally here and everyone is getting ready to take that summer vacation they’ve been yearning for. Not me. I am still living here in Grand Rapids and still have my boring life of being a homeless kiddo. I know, you are saying that I’m going to write about some interesting things that have gone on my life and that my life is far from boring. Ha! Try to be in my shoes for a little and imagine my heartbreak over not having family this summer to go on vacation with. Yeah, I know. Last summer was the same. Ok. I will just get to what you guys came here for.

What’s happened since I last left you guys? Oh…let’s see. Let me go check my calendar. Well, Mike C and I broke up officially. It was at first my call and I was telling him to stop drinking and stuff, but then he made the move and broke us up because I couldn’t stay away from him. He said he was going to jail and that he needed a year after that to take a break from drama and boyfriends. So, that broke us up. He also did hurt me mentally and placed a scar on my heart by saying that I was basically a piece of shit who had no life and was making no strides to do something about it. Ouch!! I didn’t need to hear that and I almost did kill myself for that, but then I reminded myself that he was wrong and that although I may not have a life right now (I guess homeless people are considered a lifeless life. I beg to differ again!!), I am trying to make it better. I bust my ass everyday trying to get a phone so that I can get a job (because all employers seem to want to call these days and can’t email me). Although, some days I just take a break and do whatever I want. So, Mike C was wrong and that broke us up.

I did meet him one last time though. Lord, that night was a wild one! He came into the bar all ready to drink and I immediately went over to him and sat him down and told him not to drink. I was only trying to help him remain sober (he was half drunk right then, as he told me later that night), but he was fighting me coming up with excuses (such as he walked ten miles to the bar just to drink). I told him that it was no excuse to drink because I could use the excuses of “Oh, I don’t have a life” or “Oh, I am homeless” to justify using weed and getting drunk every night, but I don’t. Instead, I make the choice not to do drugs or drink and stay away from them. I told him he had a choice and he drank a shot that night. I told him that was going to be his last alcoholic beverage that night, but he hadn’t had enough. So, I helped him outside the bar and we got into the cab. He took me to his small new place and we talked and had sex. Then the fight started: He pulled out a beer in the fridge and was going to drink it. I took the beer and hid it. He got angry and started shouting at me. I told him to where the beer was and left the house with the intention of walking home (a 10.5 mile walk).

I was so upset because Mike had promised me that he was going to quit drinking and he wasn’t keeping his promise. I was crushed because I knew he was an alcoholic and needed rehab and I didn’t want to see him circle the drain. He was never going to stop drinking and I knew that. I just was hoping I could turn things around in his life but it didn’t happen. I walked for about two miles crying and asking myself why. Then I realized that I didn’t know where I was going and decided to head back to his house so that he could point me back in the right direction. Well, as soon as I saw his face, I melted right there and apologized (What a stupid idea!). I said I was being immature walking away and he kissed me and then we proceeded to have sex again and I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up that morning realizing what happened and decided something needed to be done. I had gone home that day and decided that was the end of Mike C and I.

So, a week later and a few days ago he texted me online saying that he himself had enough and that he was breaking us up. Sheesh! I was a little heartbroken over it and cried a little, but then I realized this was probably the best thing for me and that it wasn’t healthy holding on to an alcoholic who was only playing my heart. So, I let go. It wasn’t easy but it was a healthy choice to make and now I face a new relationship. Really? Yes, I am in a new relationship that fast. I am texting this guy and we are talking a lot, but we haven’t met yet. He wants me to move in with him and become his husband forever (Yes, he wants to marry me <3). I told him not yet, but that we should meet and see if we like each other first. He’s 39 and lives in Grand Rapids somewhere. He works a hectic schedule, so we haven’t had the time yet to meet. I am excited to meet him and can’t wait. Imagine if we did get married!! It will be a dream of mine come true!! I know people be thinking that it’d be crazy to marry a guy I just met, but I don’t give a flying monkey about what they say. I control my destiny and what goes on in my life. I can make love happen fast, if you ask me anyways (It’s always been that way for me anyways).

So, anyways, just this past weekend I went to the West Michigan’s 25th Annual GayPride Festival and volunteered all day for them. My main duty there was to band the people arriving at the entrance. It was fun and I got free pizza, popcorn, redbull, and icecream from volunteering there! It was so much fun and I also found out that one of my friends, Jasinya Maria Sanchez is a drag queen! Oh my gawd! He made an amazing Drag! He inspired me to begin to get into drag again and do makeup. It was so much fun at the festival, though! There were many good shows and many nice gay men there. I met the West Michigan’s Gay Men’s Chorus (and yes, I signed up to join it ūüėČ ) and I also got tested that day for HIV (was negative as usual. I never worry about getting it though, because I am safe). I also saw Drew Stoepells (a friend of mine on facebook who I’ve been dying to meet because he’s a gay news reporter. Or so, I heard) and Nancy Gallardo. My ex, Tim R was there and all that shit he was talking about was just a threat. So, I had lots of fun that day and I plan on volunteering again next year! I loved it and hope they have it next year!

Anyways, I also met a few new people and made friends. This one guy, Michael Robert Cass was supposed to be my boyfriend, but we were too far apart. So, we just agreed to be friends. Another friend of mine too, Tony L Wright was supposed to be my boyfriend too, but he turned out to be involved in Wiccan religion. So, I just kept him as a friend. Then there was also Dan Wylie who chased after my heart, but then I got to thinking and found out he smoked and drank. So, I am just keeping him as a friend. I am making a lot of new gay friends and straight friends too. Just recently I met this young lady by the name of Melissa and I was attracted to her. I think she thought I was too gay for her and so I just am friends with her. So, I am happy to be making new friends everyday. I still have my best friend forever, Karleem Johnson, but lately things have got complicated between the two of us.

You see, a week ago he had gotten mad at me and decided to strike me across the face when I was sleeping. I had gotten extremely angry at him and complained about it to Corsair (the renter of the house. Not sure what to call him since he really isn’t the landlord. Guess he technically is since we are staying at his mercy.). Well, Corsair had then decided that after all the things Karleem had done and all the problems he had (I will not mention) that he was gonna kick Karleem out. So, he did and now Karleem blames me for it. Hey! I only was a small part of it. But then again, maybe if I hadn’t complained about Karleem striking me and then calling the police on me before when I cut myself then maybe he wouldn’t be literally homeless. Sheesh, now I feel bad. Ugh. I failed my friend like totally, but I think he forgave me and moved on because we still talk and see each other everyday. Plus, I give him food and stuff still. He’s still like my older brother to me. And I still love him and care a lot about him. I think he knows that and he knows that I would give up my life for him if I had to. Love you, Bro!!

I wish Karleem wasn’t kicked out, though. You don’t know how much shit I have to deal with Corsair. Everyday he walks around butt naked and talks about a lot of nonsense. Then he always puts me down for having butt sex with other men and says it’s a sin and that I’m gonna get HIV/AIDS. Doesn’t he think I know about that and that I use condoms. And anyways, I really don’t have a lot of buttsex. It’s mainly jerking off with them or me topping or something like that. And oh lord! Corsair is always talking about killing lesbians and shit. He even says Adolf Hitler was a good man! Then like I think the cockroach infestation is getting worse here in the house, but he won’t do anything about it and I can’t either. Just like: What the hell!? I hate it and get offended a lot, but I have to deal with it anyways because it’s the only safe place I have to stay at plus it’s the only place I can go to where I can know that my food is safe.

Anyways, My birthday is a month away and I am faced with the realization that I might have to have another birthday of disappointment. Well, if I am still homeless by July 30, then that will mark my one year mark of being homeless and the same way. I should change something, but I don’t what to do. I have tried everything and it just seems like that everywhere I try or go that it always seems to fail. It’s horrid. And about right around this time last year, My family had started not to care about me and was preparing to banish me for good on my birthday. Yep, I remember now. Isn’t it sad that my family don’t talk to me at all? Yes, I emailed my dad a week ago asking what was up and everything and I still haven’t received any reply. So, I think it’s safe to say that my family doesn’t care anymore and that I have completely lost them. It sucks because I want to have a family again and someone who cares. Basically, I need a fatherly and motherly figure in my life to help me along. And like, that family tree list I made a few posts ago fell apart. They don’t talk to me anymore. So, it seems like I’ve lost a family. Oh well!

So, like I keep striking out or so it seems. I don’t know how. Hopefully soon my life will get better and I will see a better life. I keep saying that, though and it seems to get worse and worse. What amazes me is that I just keep going and never give up. Why? I really don’t know why other than God keeps me alive inside and reminds me that he loves me so much by giving me the gift of life everyday. I praise the Lord Jesus for keeping me alive inside and for giving me hope. Thankyou, Lord Jesus!! I owe my life to You!! Thankyou!!

Well, I better get to bed because it’s 415am in the morning and I started typing this ever since 1130pm yesterday. Hopefully I will get some good rest and dream sweet dreams (by the way, if you have a lot of dejavus does it count you as gifted? Because I have too many of those lately. I am freaking out.). I have been having a lot of nightmares lately and the last one I remember was a monster eating my friend and then coming after me. What a nightmare! Especially since I was pinching myself in the dream and was screaming. Ugh….so scary!! Anyways, I’m gonna get to bed. Goodmorning!!!

-Jonathan S Fisher
“There Can Miracles if you Just Believe”
-Whitney Houston

familyportrait

 

A photo of my family last year at Christmas. I miss them.

Mike C and other updates…

Hey,
It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. I think almost about three weeks. Well, I’ve been real busy lately and caught up in doing my stuff with Facebook. A lot has happened, so I’ll start where I thought I left you guys. I think the last post I had done was actually when I was all depressed over Tim R talking shit about me (supposedly Matt K now, which I will explain why in a moment). Yeah, well that was a while ago and I am so over that. It doesn’t bother me because I had done a little investigating on the whole thing.

See, at first I though it was Roger who had done it, but then Roger was being all nice to me and invited me to stay at his house for memorial day. So, I started to ask myself who was it really trying to screw my life up. So, I made a fake email with a fake profile and replied to the ad on Craigslist asking if the stuff was true and that I was the newest boyfriend. Well, the guy emailed me back saying that his name was Matt K and that I stole $500 from him and that he lived in Kalamazoo. He also went and changed my emails I had sent him earlier in defense to word it saying I had HIV and AIDS. He also went and said I was a heavy drug user and that I was a leech. Well, I was upset about the lies he was talking about, but based on the clues he gave me I had figured out it was Tim R.

What clues? For one, I never did see any guy by the name of Matt K who lived in Kalamazoo. Secondly, I am not a drug user (and we all know that I think that drugs are a horrible fix to things and isn’t the answer.) and I have never taken more than $150 from one guy. Thirdly, he had said that him and I had met only two times and that he was going to sleep with me, but then he changed his mind (his excuse: because I told him I had HIV and AIDS. The real truth: I was trying to take things slow and not rush jumping into bed because he did seem a little mysterious). AND NO I DO NOT HAVE HIV OR AIDS! I WANT TO CLARIFY THAT!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT TESTED A WEEK AGO AND WAS NEGATIVE! Fourthly and finally, he had said he was up in Las Vegas. So, that totally blew his cover! I knew from that moment it was Tim R and that I was no longer in any danger.

So, I sent an email thanking him for identifying himself and revealing my true identity. He went into shock and was like saying it wasn’t him and that he was up in Vegas and had no reason to hurt me. Well, by then I totally knew it was Tim R. So, that relieved my stress and made me worry less. Tim has no power over me and is just an ex whatever. I only did take $120 from him and was going to pay him back, but he blew that by being an asshole to me. I was going to keep him as a friend too, but my phone ran out of minutes and I lost his email. Once someone tries to screw my life up, I just forget that person altogether and move on. Want to know something real sicker!? Tim R is trying to get back with me! He emailed me the other day and was like “hey dude, let’s hang out and I’ll treat you to lunch”. OMG, this guy must be crazy! How the hell does he think that I’m going to get back with him when he just broke my heart and caused me too much stress. Yeah, Exactly! So, I’m just ignoring Tim R from now on. There’s no need to worry about him doing anything or even getting me “barred from the bars”. I’ve been going to Rumors every week on Monday and Tuesday nights. So, yeah.

Anyways, I spent the Memorial Day holiday weekend at Roger’s. I was feeling so down and lonely and I needed to go hang with a friend. Roger was the only one that I could think of and that was free here in Grand Rapids (My one friend Tim French, who also lives in Grand Rapids, happened to be away with his friends at a party. So, that bridge was burned. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get to meet these people I talk to online in person? Probably not.). So, I just packed my bags for a three-day¬†weekend and stayed the weekend at Roger’s. The weekend was ok. I had actually spent that whole Saturday sitting and facebooking¬†my friends. I was a little depressed that day and feeling blue. I was longing for a better friend and wishing I was partying. Then later on in the evening, Rog¬†and I walked the beach and saw the “Musical Fountains” in Holland. It was boring for me, so we just went home and I resumed talking to my friends on Facebook.

Later on in that evening Mike C called me. Mike C was that guy that had slept with me the monday night before who I though was my boyfriend (still is, just some explaining I need to do bout this). Anyways, he called me saying that he wanted to be boyfriends but that he had so much shit going on in his life and that he didn’t want to overwhelm me with it. I was literally crying on the phone asking him to stay with me and that we both had a lot of shit in our lives going on. I told him that nothing was going to be too much for me. I literally was begging him to stay and was in tears. I didn’t want to let go and I wanted him to be my one and only. We both ended the phone call going our own separate ways and I thought we were broken up. I cried myself to sleep that night wondering why relationships never do work for me.

I woke up Sunday morning at 10am and went to Coopersville¬†Reformed Church. The service made me cry and left me so emotional, It was all about serving the Lord Jesus effectively in our lives and putting Him first. I cried because it had been a long time since I had gone to church and I felt like I was pushing God out of my life. So, when I left church that day I had promised God that I would do better and would no longer push Him away. I’m doing ok with that promise right now. I slipped and missed church this last sunday (I slept in), but I am doing alright with it. I still believe and I don’t deny God.

Anyways, that whole Sunday after church I had done nothing, but Facebook my friends and post insanely too many statuses. Then that evening Roger had a new friend over. His name was Jaime and he came over to have sex with Roger. He lost interest when he saw me. That whole evening turned into us talking (Jaime and I) and falling for each other. I thought I was in love with him and he thought so too. He went home that night with my number and we started texting each other on Facebook. We talked about marriage, sex, what we had in common, and many other things that following week.

Anyways, Monday I hung out all day at Roger’s house and messaged my friends on Facebook(including Jaime) and then I went to Rumors nightclub that evening. It was fun doing karaoke that night and I met Mike that night. He said he was sorry and that he still wanted to give us a chance. He took me home with him that night and we took a shower together and almost had some sex. He asked me to f*ck him and then it started. I told him about Jaime and that I wasn’t sure if I wanted him or Jaime. Mike then started to talk about it and we got into a fight over small things. We argued about religion, homosexual relationships, monogamy, and many other things. We stayed up arguing all night and both crashed at 6am. Then I woke up at noon and he drove me home. He talked to me and I told him that I was feeling mutual about our relationship and left it at that. I didn’t break us up. Afterall, I still needed to try Jaime out and see where that went. So, I just kissed him goodbye and told him I’d see him later. He drove away happy and feeling good.

So, the rest of that week went by smooth. I went to the library as usual and texted Jaime on Facebook everyday. We talked about us and everything. I was so excited because Jaime was only six months older than me and blonde with blue eyes. He seemed so nice too and we had so much in common. He liked everything I liked and he believed the same stuff I had held in my heart. We seemed to be on the right track. He even talked about getting married and being exclusive in our relationship (which is what I want ultimately). Then the weekend came. All week we had talked about him coming to live with me for the summer. He agreed he’d come over and move in that very weekend. Well, he came over that saturday afternoon and everything seemed to be ok. Then things got complicated and started falling apart. He started talking about being a prostitute and sleeping with other men and then he started being a completely different person altogether. Things only got worse when he met my best friend, Karleem Johnson. He liked him and then things went downhill from that point on.

Karleem started teasing me and Jaime jumped on the boat and did the same. He teased me about everything and it annoyed me greatly. It upset me too because he was making me do things by threatening me. He kept threatening to leave me and I didn’t want that to happen. Things only got worse when the late Saturday evening came around. I was so horny and asked Jaime to kiss me and let me rim his butt¬†(which by the way, was a very big bubble butt and hot!). Well, he smelled and so we didn’t do much. I just went to bed that night cuddling in his arms very disappointed and upset that Jaime was not acting like the person he said he was on Facebook.

Sunday morning came around and I woke up very frustrated. I have no clue why I was, other than that I was having withdrawal symptoms¬†from my meds and I hadn’t taken them yet. Things got worse. I took a shower and then jacked off with Jaime (which I didn’t like it because he really wasn’t into it very much and was still really smelly). After that, I got up and decided to make some brunch and made a horrid bbq bacon dish (it stank the house up. Oops!). While I was making that, I got more pissed off because Jaime and Karleem were at it again and throwing cockroaches at my face (I am afraid of roaches and they scare me. So, I was screaming and they thought it was funny). Then Corsair (the guy who owns the house. He’s insane and like crazy and I don’t know why I even deal with it other than it’s the only place I have to stay) started to yell at me saying the house stank (it did, though!) and that I needed to do this and that. I broke and started to yell at him. He told me to leave and to never come back.

So, Karleem forced me out and I walked the street fuming and yelling at Karleem and Jaime. I was so angry by then and nothing was going to calm myself down. I had enough of everything. Jaime was plainly playing me and Karleem knew it (he told me in the kitchen when I was cooking. I forgot to mention that) and then they wouldn’t stop annoying me. I was pissed and yelling and talking so harshly to them. Karleem threatened to pop my jaw and I just lost it there and walked away. I decided to sing and show off, so I did just that. Then I decided to go to the park and Facebook¬†my friends. Karleem and Jaime were there and wouldn’t stop bothering me. I felt so suicidal and decided to cut. So, I went home to look for a knife. While looking for a knife, I apologized to Corsair for my actions and put on black clothing and my black makeup. I was going for emo, but needless to say I can never be emo¬†even if i tried. To be honest, I was actually trying to feel numb inside but I still ended up cutting anyways.

So, I did that and then Karleem and Jaime walked up and they were like saying I should hide because the police were after me. I was like I don’t care because I have nothing to hide. Then they asked me where I was going and I told them somewhere. They called the police because somehow I mentioned I had a knife in my bag and was gonna cut. The police took me to a psych hospital and I talked to this young lady. She just asked me if I was going to cut myself again and I lied to her saying no. She then gave me a piece of paper with info on where to get help and sent me away. Bad mistake because I still had the knife in my bag and I still was going to cut myself. In fact, as soon as I stepped outside I had begun¬†cutting. Jaime tried to stop me and I just blew up in his face and told him he was the reason why I was cutting and so upset. I told him to just leave and that he was just like every other guy who played with my heart. I then decided to go on Facebook¬†and chat with my friends for support. I almost did cut real deep and end my life then and there, but thanks to my girl Lexi Marie Wolf, I was saved. Her message had said that she saw hope in my eyes and a good future. This made me cry and I thanked her. Then I decided to go home and sleep. Jaime was all packed and gone when I left, so that was a reliever. I simply moved on and slept that night dreaming about how wonderful my friends were on Facebook.

So, then Monday rolled around and I did my usual stuff and went to the club that night. It was a slow night and I enjoyed performing karaoke. Roger bought me some pop and we talked a lot (of course, he did talk about his threesome¬†he was having and it kinda just disgusted me but I just ignored it). Roger left and I decided to perform a couple of more songs before I called it quits myself. Then I stayed up all night just facebooking¬†my friends and talking to them (Tamica¬†Lette¬†mostly) and then early Tuesday morning I had crashed (around 5am). I woke up around noon and then did laundry and checked my Facebook¬†again (Yes, I love my Facebook!). Then I had dinner (Tacos and fries) and went to the club. It was busy just a little, but I still performed a lot (In which, I did a duet with Monica Parker and sucked at it. She sucked too. We both were laughing at each other in the end). My best song of the night was “May It Be” by Enya¬†and that was my grand finale. Mike was there too. He showed up to seek comfort from me. His friend had died that day in a motorcycle accident and he was grieving. He seeked some comfort from me and I gave it to him.

He also let me know it was his last night of drinking because he was going to be going to jail soon for getting two DUI’s and that he had moved into a temporary home. I told him that even when he was in jail that I’d still love him even if he had to spend a year in jail. I also told him that it was good to see that he was trying to be sober and recover from drinking and smoking. He had told me that I was his inspiration and that he needed me to be there. I promised him to love him unconditionally and to be faithful to him even to the end. I was 100% honest with him and he knew it. We kissed and made out that night right outside the club and then we cuddled under the bridge together watching the water in the river rush on by. It was a romantic still night and we felt it. He wanted to take me home to have sex, but he couldn’t. We made the night romantic anyways and talked a lot and I fell hard for him once again. I actually gave him my heart and now am trusting him not to break it. So, here I go again, but this time this is for real. He loves me too and I can tell. He also respects me and my wishes and wants to fill my heart with his love. He wants to make me happy.

So, anyways. I am writing this and it is now 2am in the morning and I started at 930pm yesterday (Wednesday). Jeez! I don’t know why it takes me so long to write about my life and stuff, but it has always been this way. It always takes me 4 to 6 hours to finish it. I am about finished here now. Well, almost. I did go grocery shopping today and got a lot of new groceries, but other than that I didn’t do anything else. I can’t get Mike off my mind now. I want to see him so bad and I want to make out with him again. I wanna cuddle in his arms and feel his warm body against mine. I want to talk to him and be there for him, but I need to wait now till next week on Monday or Tuesday night to see him at the club. Oh! I miss Mike. Anyways, I need to get to bed (I was kind of hoping my virus scan tool on my computer would’ve finished scanning my computer by now, but nope! It was a full scan, so it might take a couple more hours) so that I can get this posted tomorrow. Goodnight and sweet dreams. And Mike, if you are reading this, I love you so much!

-Jonathan Fisher
Here’s a picture of Jaime and I kissing:

kiss

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Jonathan Fisher