It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. I think almost about three weeks. Well, I’ve been real busy lately and caught up in doing my stuff with Facebook. A lot has happened, so I’ll start where I thought I left you guys. I think the last post I had done was actually when I was all depressed over Tim R talking shit about me (supposedly Matt K now, which I will explain why in a moment). Yeah, well that was a while ago and I am so over that. It doesn’t bother me because I had done a little investigating on the whole thing.
See, at first I though it was Roger who had done it, but then Roger was being all nice to me and invited me to stay at his house for memorial day. So, I started to ask myself who was it really trying to screw my life up. So, I made a fake email with a fake profile and replied to the ad on Craigslist asking if the stuff was true and that I was the newest boyfriend. Well, the guy emailed me back saying that his name was Matt K and that I stole $500 from him and that he lived in Kalamazoo. He also went and changed my emails I had sent him earlier in defense to word it saying I had HIV and AIDS. He also went and said I was a heavy drug user and that I was a leech. Well, I was upset about the lies he was talking about, but based on the clues he gave me I had figured out it was Tim R.
What clues? For one, I never did see any guy by the name of Matt K who lived in Kalamazoo. Secondly, I am not a drug user (and we all know that I think that drugs are a horrible fix to things and isn’t the answer.) and I have never taken more than $150 from one guy. Thirdly, he had said that him and I had met only two times and that he was going to sleep with me, but then he changed his mind (his excuse: because I told him I had HIV and AIDS. The real truth: I was trying to take things slow and not rush jumping into bed because he did seem a little mysterious). AND NO I DO NOT HAVE HIV OR AIDS! I WANT TO CLARIFY THAT!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT TESTED A WEEK AGO AND WAS NEGATIVE! Fourthly and finally, he had said he was up in Las Vegas. So, that totally blew his cover! I knew from that moment it was Tim R and that I was no longer in any danger.
So, I sent an email thanking him for identifying himself and revealing my true identity. He went into shock and was like saying it wasn’t him and that he was up in Vegas and had no reason to hurt me. Well, by then I totally knew it was Tim R. So, that relieved my stress and made me worry less. Tim has no power over me and is just an ex whatever. I only did take $120 from him and was going to pay him back, but he blew that by being an asshole to me. I was going to keep him as a friend too, but my phone ran out of minutes and I lost his email. Once someone tries to screw my life up, I just forget that person altogether and move on. Want to know something real sicker!? Tim R is trying to get back with me! He emailed me the other day and was like “hey dude, let’s hang out and I’ll treat you to lunch”. OMG, this guy must be crazy! How the hell does he think that I’m going to get back with him when he just broke my heart and caused me too much stress. Yeah, Exactly! So, I’m just ignoring Tim R from now on. There’s no need to worry about him doing anything or even getting me “barred from the bars”. I’ve been going to Rumors every week on Monday and Tuesday nights. So, yeah.
Anyways, I spent the Memorial Day holiday weekend at Roger’s. I was feeling so down and lonely and I needed to go hang with a friend. Roger was the only one that I could think of and that was free here in Grand Rapids (My one friend Tim French, who also lives in Grand Rapids, happened to be away with his friends at a party. So, that bridge was burned. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get to meet these people I talk to online in person? Probably not.). So, I just packed my bags for a three-day weekend and stayed the weekend at Roger’s. The weekend was ok. I had actually spent that whole Saturday sitting and facebooking my friends. I was a little depressed that day and feeling blue. I was longing for a better friend and wishing I was partying. Then later on in the evening, Rog and I walked the beach and saw the “Musical Fountains” in Holland. It was boring for me, so we just went home and I resumed talking to my friends on Facebook.
Later on in that evening Mike C called me. Mike C was that guy that had slept with me the monday night before who I though was my boyfriend (still is, just some explaining I need to do bout this). Anyways, he called me saying that he wanted to be boyfriends but that he had so much shit going on in his life and that he didn’t want to overwhelm me with it. I was literally crying on the phone asking him to stay with me and that we both had a lot of shit in our lives going on. I told him that nothing was going to be too much for me. I literally was begging him to stay and was in tears. I didn’t want to let go and I wanted him to be my one and only. We both ended the phone call going our own separate ways and I thought we were broken up. I cried myself to sleep that night wondering why relationships never do work for me.
I woke up Sunday morning at 10am and went to Coopersville Reformed Church. The service made me cry and left me so emotional, It was all about serving the Lord Jesus effectively in our lives and putting Him first. I cried because it had been a long time since I had gone to church and I felt like I was pushing God out of my life. So, when I left church that day I had promised God that I would do better and would no longer push Him away. I’m doing ok with that promise right now. I slipped and missed church this last sunday (I slept in), but I am doing alright with it. I still believe and I don’t deny God.
Anyways, that whole Sunday after church I had done nothing, but Facebook my friends and post insanely too many statuses. Then that evening Roger had a new friend over. His name was Jaime and he came over to have sex with Roger. He lost interest when he saw me. That whole evening turned into us talking (Jaime and I) and falling for each other. I thought I was in love with him and he thought so too. He went home that night with my number and we started texting each other on Facebook. We talked about marriage, sex, what we had in common, and many other things that following week.
Anyways, Monday I hung out all day at Roger’s house and messaged my friends on Facebook(including Jaime) and then I went to Rumors nightclub that evening. It was fun doing karaoke that night and I met Mike that night. He said he was sorry and that he still wanted to give us a chance. He took me home with him that night and we took a shower together and almost had some sex. He asked me to f*ck him and then it started. I told him about Jaime and that I wasn’t sure if I wanted him or Jaime. Mike then started to talk about it and we got into a fight over small things. We argued about religion, homosexual relationships, monogamy, and many other things. We stayed up arguing all night and both crashed at 6am. Then I woke up at noon and he drove me home. He talked to me and I told him that I was feeling mutual about our relationship and left it at that. I didn’t break us up. Afterall, I still needed to try Jaime out and see where that went. So, I just kissed him goodbye and told him I’d see him later. He drove away happy and feeling good.
So, the rest of that week went by smooth. I went to the library as usual and texted Jaime on Facebook everyday. We talked about us and everything. I was so excited because Jaime was only six months older than me and blonde with blue eyes. He seemed so nice too and we had so much in common. He liked everything I liked and he believed the same stuff I had held in my heart. We seemed to be on the right track. He even talked about getting married and being exclusive in our relationship (which is what I want ultimately). Then the weekend came. All week we had talked about him coming to live with me for the summer. He agreed he’d come over and move in that very weekend. Well, he came over that saturday afternoon and everything seemed to be ok. Then things got complicated and started falling apart. He started talking about being a prostitute and sleeping with other men and then he started being a completely different person altogether. Things only got worse when he met my best friend, Karleem Johnson. He liked him and then things went downhill from that point on.
Karleem started teasing me and Jaime jumped on the boat and did the same. He teased me about everything and it annoyed me greatly. It upset me too because he was making me do things by threatening me. He kept threatening to leave me and I didn’t want that to happen. Things only got worse when the late Saturday evening came around. I was so horny and asked Jaime to kiss me and let me rim his butt (which by the way, was a very big bubble butt and hot!). Well, he smelled and so we didn’t do much. I just went to bed that night cuddling in his arms very disappointed and upset that Jaime was not acting like the person he said he was on Facebook.
Sunday morning came around and I woke up very frustrated. I have no clue why I was, other than that I was having withdrawal symptoms from my meds and I hadn’t taken them yet. Things got worse. I took a shower and then jacked off with Jaime (which I didn’t like it because he really wasn’t into it very much and was still really smelly). After that, I got up and decided to make some brunch and made a horrid bbq bacon dish (it stank the house up. Oops!). While I was making that, I got more pissed off because Jaime and Karleem were at it again and throwing cockroaches at my face (I am afraid of roaches and they scare me. So, I was screaming and they thought it was funny). Then Corsair (the guy who owns the house. He’s insane and like crazy and I don’t know why I even deal with it other than it’s the only place I have to stay) started to yell at me saying the house stank (it did, though!) and that I needed to do this and that. I broke and started to yell at him. He told me to leave and to never come back.
So, Karleem forced me out and I walked the street fuming and yelling at Karleem and Jaime. I was so angry by then and nothing was going to calm myself down. I had enough of everything. Jaime was plainly playing me and Karleem knew it (he told me in the kitchen when I was cooking. I forgot to mention that) and then they wouldn’t stop annoying me. I was pissed and yelling and talking so harshly to them. Karleem threatened to pop my jaw and I just lost it there and walked away. I decided to sing and show off, so I did just that. Then I decided to go to the park and Facebook my friends. Karleem and Jaime were there and wouldn’t stop bothering me. I felt so suicidal and decided to cut. So, I went home to look for a knife. While looking for a knife, I apologized to Corsair for my actions and put on black clothing and my black makeup. I was going for emo, but needless to say I can never be emo even if i tried. To be honest, I was actually trying to feel numb inside but I still ended up cutting anyways.
So, I did that and then Karleem and Jaime walked up and they were like saying I should hide because the police were after me. I was like I don’t care because I have nothing to hide. Then they asked me where I was going and I told them somewhere. They called the police because somehow I mentioned I had a knife in my bag and was gonna cut. The police took me to a psych hospital and I talked to this young lady. She just asked me if I was going to cut myself again and I lied to her saying no. She then gave me a piece of paper with info on where to get help and sent me away. Bad mistake because I still had the knife in my bag and I still was going to cut myself. In fact, as soon as I stepped outside I had begun cutting. Jaime tried to stop me and I just blew up in his face and told him he was the reason why I was cutting and so upset. I told him to just leave and that he was just like every other guy who played with my heart. I then decided to go on Facebook and chat with my friends for support. I almost did cut real deep and end my life then and there, but thanks to my girl Lexi Marie Wolf, I was saved. Her message had said that she saw hope in my eyes and a good future. This made me cry and I thanked her. Then I decided to go home and sleep. Jaime was all packed and gone when I left, so that was a reliever. I simply moved on and slept that night dreaming about how wonderful my friends were on Facebook.
So, then Monday rolled around and I did my usual stuff and went to the club that night. It was a slow night and I enjoyed performing karaoke. Roger bought me some pop and we talked a lot (of course, he did talk about his threesome he was having and it kinda just disgusted me but I just ignored it). Roger left and I decided to perform a couple of more songs before I called it quits myself. Then I stayed up all night just facebooking my friends and talking to them (Tamica Lette mostly) and then early Tuesday morning I had crashed (around 5am). I woke up around noon and then did laundry and checked my Facebook again (Yes, I love my Facebook!). Then I had dinner (Tacos and fries) and went to the club. It was busy just a little, but I still performed a lot (In which, I did a duet with Monica Parker and sucked at it. She sucked too. We both were laughing at each other in the end). My best song of the night was “May It Be” by Enya and that was my grand finale. Mike was there too. He showed up to seek comfort from me. His friend had died that day in a motorcycle accident and he was grieving. He seeked some comfort from me and I gave it to him.
He also let me know it was his last night of drinking because he was going to be going to jail soon for getting two DUI’s and that he had moved into a temporary home. I told him that even when he was in jail that I’d still love him even if he had to spend a year in jail. I also told him that it was good to see that he was trying to be sober and recover from drinking and smoking. He had told me that I was his inspiration and that he needed me to be there. I promised him to love him unconditionally and to be faithful to him even to the end. I was 100% honest with him and he knew it. We kissed and made out that night right outside the club and then we cuddled under the bridge together watching the water in the river rush on by. It was a romantic still night and we felt it. He wanted to take me home to have sex, but he couldn’t. We made the night romantic anyways and talked a lot and I fell hard for him once again. I actually gave him my heart and now am trusting him not to break it. So, here I go again, but this time this is for real. He loves me too and I can tell. He also respects me and my wishes and wants to fill my heart with his love. He wants to make me happy.
So, anyways. I am writing this and it is now 2am in the morning and I started at 930pm yesterday (Wednesday). Jeez! I don’t know why it takes me so long to write about my life and stuff, but it has always been this way. It always takes me 4 to 6 hours to finish it. I am about finished here now. Well, almost. I did go grocery shopping today and got a lot of new groceries, but other than that I didn’t do anything else. I can’t get Mike off my mind now. I want to see him so bad and I want to make out with him again. I wanna cuddle in his arms and feel his warm body against mine. I want to talk to him and be there for him, but I need to wait now till next week on Monday or Tuesday night to see him at the club. Oh! I miss Mike. Anyways, I need to get to bed (I was kind of hoping my virus scan tool on my computer would’ve finished scanning my computer by now, but nope! It was a full scan, so it might take a couple more hours) so that I can get this posted tomorrow. Goodnight and sweet dreams. And Mike, if you are reading this, I love you so much!
Here’s a picture of Jaime and I kissing:
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