So last time I had to quickly go and finish up working. Yeah, now I am sitting here alone in bed naked just typing this blog. It’s a silent Friday night and I’m locked into my bedroom to keep myself away from drinking alcohol (We have not come to that story yet on how I came to realize I am alcoholic but hopefully I will cover that in a few). I am craving it so bad and all I’ve gotta do is get out of my bed and go to the cabinet, but I’m controlling myself tonight because I know where it would get me! So anyways, I am gonna hopefully finish bringing y’all up to date with my life.
Before we get started, I realized I forgot to mention that I bought in a new room-mate a few weeks before. He seemed nice and he was 28. We’ll call him Manny (As I’m pretty sure he’s gonna kill me if I were to mention his real name. We have a bad relationship right now, but I will get to that in a minute). He seemed nice and he moved in right way down in the basement. So, I officially played Realtor there for a second.
Well, anyways The Fall Retreat came around. Calvary had said it would cost me $27.50 to attend and I was like oh that’s nothing and decided to go. That weekend changed me! I learned a lot about how God wants me to be closer to him and how technology thwarts that. I also made a few new friends from the church and I poured my whole heart out that weekend. I was blessed and cried when I had to go home. I had left that weekend with a sense of peace and tranquility about my relationship with God and a new understanding. It was a wonderful retreat.
Then things got out of hand again. I’m not sure how but then I got into a fight with my landlord and we started to fight about me paying my rent and then he just said I needed to get out soon. Then I started to see Chris Surfus. Chris was a nice guy. He was. We went on 5 dates and we saw “Machete Kills” together. We went for a midnight stroll one time. Then things got complicated and I started to doubt him. He was a big guy and he kept talking about sex. I didn’t want sex. And then like I just couldn’t see myself having sex with him and he got mad. Then he had “Swine” by Lady Gaga and this song had not been officially released yet. I saw my chance and took the song and leaked it online. Chris got upset texted me and told me he was through with me. He said I was disrespectful for leaking the song and that I wasn’t living to please him. Needless to say, he threw some insults at me too but I just laughed it off and reminded myself that men will always have what I call a “hissy fit” where they will try to find something imperfect in me and try to pull me down. They won’t ever because I know who I am and I feel like I am a sweet, kind, and lovable guy with a few problems.
So with that said we broke up and I moved on. You know, I almost got into trouble for leaking “Swine” by Lady Gaga and now it turns out it was the real song afterwards. The FBI called me and asked me if I had any other songs and I told them no so they let me go. I basked in my glory anyways while it lasted. I actually leaked a real song! OMGaga! But yeah, after Chris I decided to give men a break and this young lady by the name of “Alice” asked me out. I totally accepted and we’ve been going out. She’s a nice girl and everything, but she’s more lesbian because I can tell. She’s got me in tangles and emotionally messed up. Honestly I want a meaningful relationship where somehow will want me for me and accept me if I change.
I don’t know honestly what I’m gonna do. Because I Love men, but I have discovered I won’t be opposed to being and caring for a woman. I just can’t bring myself to have sex with her. I don’t know what you call that. I mean I have no problem taking pants off a man or sleeping with him. I don’t know if I’m comfortable doing that with a girl because I’m scared to. I need a girl who is dominant and masculine who will take control in the bed. I need a girl who will know I have them fears and dominantly take them and crush them. I though Alice would do this but lately I’ve been getting this impression she likes girls more. That’s all she talks about and is always asking me if I found her a girl.
But anyways, I also had a hard time recently because last Friday night I did my usual drinking thing. Usually on Friday nights, I drink a couple of glasses of vodka to get drunk. Well, I think It was a horrid time to drink because I was broken over Alice and the night before I had gone trick-or -treating and slept with a guy who I asked to be my boyfriend. He rejected me and told me I was too much to handle. Not only that, but Alice texted me that day saying I was cheating on her. I was broken that night. I had been through too much and it was emotionally disturbing me.
So I drank. I drank too much. I ended up tossing and turning and butt naked flopping and flailing like a fish that night. I was out of control and even one of my new friends, Jakob Adrian Shouse, had seen it. I had him on the webcam before I lost all conscientiousness. I blacked out and supposedly spent the next 4 hours moaning, screaming, flailing, flopping, crying, and doing whatever. Here is a video that “Manny” recorded.
I was crying in that video and all I could think of was my parents. I in fact did give a pretty good religious fight there in my drunkenness. I have watched this video over and over again. All the time I really am amazed at it and what I said. The pain of all the years resonated in my voice very well in that video and I am not surprised. Even when I’m sober, that same pain I expressed in that video is still there. It gets worse everyday and I think I will Always have that hole punched in my heart. Even then, God is still alive in my life and I DO firmly believe in Him. I could never reject God!
So anyways, I spent that Saturday in a hangover and then that very Saturday evening Norm said I needed to get out right then and there. He was upset because I drank his vodka and rum. He wanted repayment and I couldn’t provide it. So, those next two days (Saturday and Sunday) I spent the whole time looking for another place to live and stressing out about it. I had to get the cops involved and I had to threaten to press charges on Norm. I even got into a bad fight with “Manny” and we are not the best of friends right now. In fact, I completely ignore him and I am very scared to talk to him. I’ve kept my distance.
So with that being said, I apologized to Norm about everything and I agreed to pay him $350 by December 11th to stay November and December. There may be an option to stay for the month of January but we will see then. I also admitted I am an alcoholic and I am trying to attend AA meetings. I am relieved though, because I was really stressed out about everything. I am still stressed because I missed my final exam on my one class and then I’ve got to figure out this money issue. I also am in finals with this Math class, but overall the shelter issue is covered (Phew!).
Right now I am doing ok. It’s a Saturday night and I made it through the weekend without drinking a lick of alcohol (Congrats!) and I am quite still dealing with some things. For one, this one guy Brian Carmer got mad at me and threatened to tell the town I’m a horrid person and that I’m a whore. Why? Because like omg I put this ad on Craigslist advertising I wanted a boyfriend and then he emailed me. I was like uhm ok and then I looked at his facebook photos and was like omg he’s too old. I didn’t want to tell him and avoided it. Well that was a mistake on my part and when it came down to it, he got mad and told me he’d be a jerk. Whatever though.
Just last night (Friday) my old lover from Pennsylvania texted me. He said he still cared for me and that he was still single. He also said that he hasn’t forgotten me. I cried. I still care for him too and my heart is heavy for him. I wish I didn’t leave. I told him I’d move back to Pennsylvania in two semesters. He said he might come down in December to see me. I hope he does.
Anyways, I think I’m done writing here. See ya later. And Thanks for reading my fans ❤
-Jonathan S Fisher