Well, Here I am again. Sitting here at work bored. Nothing to do but stare at this screen and ring the bell when people come in through the door. I am tired actually as I had a rough night lastnight sleeping because there was so much on my mind. I’ve been going through a lot lately and have had a full plate of drama! So yeah, here it goes.
So, Thanksgiving was ok. I spent it with the Innis Family and it was good. I ate little that day because I was nervous. They were a big white family and their house was so pretty. The kids (younger ones) hardly talked to me. But this one guy, Jay sat down at the piano and let me perform two songs solo. I loved this, as I am becoming more confident in singing and I’d love to work with a pianist to create a solo concert. Anyways, I also talked to the mom, Miss Kari Innis. I told her everything about my life and was 100% honest. I think she liked me but I’m not sure. Anyways, the turkey was smoked and I liked that. There was also stuffing, apple salad, fruit salad, gravy, dip with vegetables, and mashed potatoes. Dessert was pumpkin pie. I liked it and enjoyed it immensely, but I was nervous and kinda upset a little too.
I missed my family during Thanksgiving. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about them. I kept thinking about the last Thanksgiving I had with them. All I remember is that I was in the hospital and I was 17. My family came in to see me and we talked for a little but they left. I don’t remember what we talked about but I remember that it was a different Thanksgiving and probably the last one I would’ve spent with them before they banished me. It personally hurts. I wish they could’ve understood me. I was only looking for acceptance and independence. I was only looking for a real parents and trying to discover who I was. Even with all the stuff they required I do, I don’t feel like it was being myself. I only wanted to be myself.
With that being said, it hurts deeply. It’s like a black hole with no bottom. I wanna fill it inside but every time I try it fails and only leaves me feeling depressed and alone. It shows up on Thanksgiving and Christmastime and it leaves me slightly depressed and sometimes it does make me shut down. This year however, I decided I wasn’t going to shut down and
I kept thinking about what my family might’ve been doing themselves and when the Innis’s Grandpa went to pray I started to cry. It was so beautiful seeing a family all connected and put together through religion. To think, I had that once before my mental issues got in the way and before I came out of the closet. It’s sad and I don’t like talking about it. I never did cry at their house (I shed maybe a tear or two) but I cried that night as I watched an Lady Gaga’s Muppets Holiday Special. I realized that I spent another Thanksgiving without my family. I still ask myself: What have I done to not deserve love and welcome arms? I know I messed up 2 years ago, but for real there is no need to hold a grudge against me Mom and Dad (worse yet, my siblings). It’s not like I killed someone in the family or raped someone. I just don’t understand! I know I hurt them, but they hurt me too. I have forgiven them and moved on. Why can’t they do the same for me? I guess I will never know.
Anyways, before Thanksgiving, I had attended two feasts at my church (Calvary Church) and the campus college Ministry. They went well. Well, at least the Calvary one did. We ate dinner and then we had to pass around a candle and say what we were thankful for. I had cried and said I was thankful for the pain, heartbreak, and trouble I had been through the last year because it has made me a stronger person. It really has and I thank Jesus for helping me through this pain. Then the next day I attended the College Campus’s Dinners. I had a full Thanksgiving and it was a good one.
I cried the night of Thanksgiving and my tears were flowing as I thought about good memories I had of Thanksgivng with my family. I remember those days when my mom would be cooking mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, stuffing, turkey, and what not and I would stand there at the kitchen window watching her do it. I remember my brothers and dad had a tradition to put on a football game outside in the backyard (or at A Park nearby) and I would sometimes play, but usually just watch. I remember when I’d simply smile when we all held hands around the table and gave thanks for the food and each said what we were thankful for. Aah, the memories were so good and I wish I could go back and have those moments again. I think I will always cry on Thanksgiving Day every year until I am with my family again because it’s the special holidays that bring tears to my eyes. I will always love and cherish family.
But yeah, Thanksgiving passed and Christmas is near. I’m kind of looking forward to Christmas because I am going to throw a Party!! I am gonna invite all my friends and have a dinner with games and lastly a gift exchange! It’s gonna be fun and I am looking forward to it. I’ve already bought two gifts for it and the dinner dishes (Lasagna and Cake) plus snack food. I am excited and looking forward to it!!
So yeah, I have one last week of working with my school for this semester and then I am off for 4 weeks. It’s gonna be boring but I go back January 6 hopefully. Anyways, I gotta go and finish up work. I will catch up with y’all later 🙂
-Jonathan S Fisher