Jonathan S Fisher's Life Adventures

Posts tagged ‘Alcoholism’

9 Months almost

Well Readers,

It’s been almost 9 long months with this guy. 9 months. The baby should be due by now. I’m just joking but really it’s been almost 9 months. It’s been a hard 9 months to be honest with you all. We have had our struggles and fights and trials. Even as I write this, things are not good. There’s a bad vibe going on right now but I will enclose details later. For now, I am going to try to do my best to catch you readers up with what’s been up. I don’t know where to start so I will go all the way back to Christmas 2014. almost 5 months ago. Here it goes:

Christmas mostly sucked. I was in a bad mood that day and James’ friend Silas (Name has been changed due to privacy) came over. I didn’t really like his friend Silas and we didn’t get along because he was a “slut” and I couldn’t stand him talking about his sex life and stuff around us. We went to dinner for Christmas Eve which was really good. I ordered a overcooked burger with fries. It was nasty. Then we drove around town for a bit, headed home, and crashed for the night. I woke up Christmas morning and was upset because I had received no gifts and I was missing my family. I was so pissed off that the whole day was affected by that. James’ friend took us to Key West and when we got to the 7 mile bridge I totally broke down and got suicidal threatening to jump off the bridge. James’ friend didn’t appreciate this and instantly escorted us all to the car and drove us home. He then left and said he didn’t want to come back until I was sane. I was fuming angry then because he was calling me names and telling me I was retarded. I told James to never let him in our house ever again! I eventually cooled down and James and I spent the rest of the Christmas day watching movies and just laughing.

New Years was completely ok. James and I stayed home and watched the New York Ball Drop Party. We also drank some liquor and ended up passing out at the end of the ball drop with lots of Liquor leftover. I was still missing my family a lot and there was a lot of pain but I got over it very quickly. New Years passed and then a couple of days went by and I got intoxicated with the remaining liquor (vodka). I went crazy. Not sure how, but James and I both believe that the spirits from our next door neighbors came over and possessed me and I went crazy. I tore a cemented pole out of the ground (no kidding!!!) and I was wild like an animal. James called the cops and I was baker acted into the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. That was a scary event I shall never forget!! I was possessed by a spirit…and it wasn’t a good one. It was a very violent and angry one. It tore the whole house apart and like I said before, tore the cemented pole out of the ground! It caused a lot of damage and James was frightened. The police even said they believed I was possessed! Well, I spent that time in the psychiatric hospital and I learned my lesson to never drink liquor like that again! To this day I won’t allow myself access to liquor like that because we are still in the same house and I do believe the spirits still live in the house right next to us.

Anyways, nothing else really exciting happened after that. James and I have been trying to piece ourselves together. Sometimes we work and sometimes we don’t. It’s an ass kicking relationship really and sometimes I don’t want to be in it. We fight a lot over finances. I try to get jobs and keep them but I always seem to lose them. ūüė¶ . I got a job in March 2015 working at Holiday Cruise Line and that lasted for three days because I lost interest fast. All I was doing was selling cruises to customers over the phone and it was the stupidest job I’ve ever had. I was making no sales and kept getting hangups. I got frustrated and just quit. I found out just this month they were shut down from the FBI anyways because they were selling illegally. That’s about the only job I’ve held since the new year. I’ve been busy helping James with his truck hauling business (in which I get 50% of the total cost) and cleaning house. I also been busy trying to hack my wii (I Forgot to mention we bought a new Wii) and other stuff. I got a tax refund of $1000 at the end of January so I bought a new computer and new stuff. Then I participated in a research and got awarded $125 . I bought a new bike with that. Then James bought an XBox 360 with his tax return which was cool, We also got another dog and named her Tinkerbell (She’s a Chihuahua mixed with mutt).

It’s been a wild ride and I am blessed to be alive. ¬†Just this past month James got laid off from his job and we had to go to the state for assistance with our rent. It was horrible but we made it through and God blessed us. There was a time in March we both ran out of food so we had to ask the state for assistance again. Ugh, things just keep getting complicated and it’s tearing me and James apart. I honestly hope we can stick it out but lately we’ve been fighting about finances and me getting a job. I am trying to get a job at Big Lots as a cashier but I don’t know. James and I are slowly falling apart and I am gasping for air because I don’t know what I am going to do without him. I applied for Job Corps and hopefully they will pull through but I am very nervous. I hope we last but it’s uncertain.

Well I need to go.

I’ll write more later.

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

New Year 2014

Hey all,

Sorry it takes me so long to get back to you all. I guess I just haven’t found the time and motivation to write. For one I’ve been so busy with school and immersed in dealing with drama. Yeah, a lot has happened in my life lately including taking on a new year. ¬†It’s been crazy good and crazy bad. So where do I start?

Ok, we will start at New Years. I don’t remember if I covered Christmas, but basically Christmas was ok and I got a few gifts and one of my friends (Who I haven’t seen since then) took me shopping. ¬†H e bought me a lot of stuff from Five Below (which is my favorite new store) and 7 brand new music cds (Including Britney Spear’s “Britney Jean”. He also took me out to dinner at Texas Steakhouse. I also received a bunch of gift cards to different ¬†stores around Grand Rapids. So I was busy the three days after Christmas Day shopping and enjoying my gifts while they lasted. I also spent it at a strange family’s house and it made me feel uncomfortable because I didn’t even know the people. So, Christmas was good while it lasted and I liked it. Then New Years happened.

No, I didn’t have a great New Years Celebration. all I did was spend it alone moping in tears and pain watching the ball drop. I felt so alone and knew my family was probably enjoying it themselves together. I cried because it hurt so bad to sit there and remember all the good times I had with my family and to think that they weren’t even giving a freak about me. ¬†I cried myself to sleep that night just hoping that maybe this new year would get better and that I’d see my fam sometime soon. In reality, even as I write this at the End of January, I know it is not gonna happen this year. It may never happen. ¬† It hurts so bad to know I lost the love of my life and it was all because of my mistakes and my sexuality. I can’t live with myself sometimes. My friend said I am pathetic and stupid because I won’t let go. Is this true?

Anyways, So when January 3rd came around I bought my books from the bookstore to start my new semester. I also bought a new Samsung Galaxy Tablet 3.  I was excited for the semester because I was taking five classes: Piano, Voice, Music Theory, Choir, and  Applied Performance. So that very next week I went back to school and started the new semester of Winter 2014. I started out so well. Well, come week two I started failing in music theory and then I was failing in Piano Class too because Professor Kenneth Bos was progressing too fast (So was Professor Morris too) So I got behind a week and I still am. Will I ever finish the course on time? Possibly. Most likely not tho because right now I am two weeks behind and got  30% on my test on quiz 1. So I am not doing very well there. Piano class is the same. I am still stuck on Page 8 trying to catch the rhythm and the beat. I possibly was put in the wrong classes.

I want to quit school but at the same time I love singing so much and I want to try harder. I want ¬†to learn my voice and how to write music, but perhaps personal instruction is better of an option for me. With my classes I am in right now it’s all group instruction. I do better with 1on1 instruction. How sad that the college does not offer this. They do offer individual piano lessons but it has to be for majoring in Piano. I’ll never understand colleges these days. Kevin Dobreff, the music Director, knew I had no previous experience in music and that I was completely clueless. Why did he put me in these classes? Do you think he knew I was going to struggle? I have no clue, but I think If I do go to school in the summer I will take their lowest class which is MUS99.

So with that being said, that is where I am at in college right now. I should’ve stuck to doing my GenEds out first. Alas, I’m either gonna fail this semester or something good will happen. I’ll keep trying though. For some reason, I can’t bring myself to quit. This might sound cray, but I think I’m addicted to college and studying and learning new material. I’m always open to learning new material.

Anyways, so I am still attending Calvary Church. I don’t know why though. I’m slowly breaking away from them because there are so many reasons. For one, when I got to college lunch I always sit alone unless I actually put my butt in a group. And no one really talks to me. I secretly know they hate me anyways. I feel their hatred and their minds just saying “He’s such a fag and a sinner and I can’t stand it”. Yeah, I’m gay and there’s nothing wrong with it. Oh and then Mason, the college ministries youth pastor tried to convince me I wasn’t gay and that I needed to be single. I was like excuse me I can be gay and God still loves me and doesn’t ask me to change myself. I know this for sure because I wrestled with it for weeks and I cried out to God earnestly and He didn’t ask me to change. I am also gonna leave because they continually say they will help me stay off the street and keep me from being homeless. Well, I’ve been waiting for a freaking month and still have not gotten anything. So, I’m slowly drifting away and trying to move on.

Ya know, I forgot to mention that before I went to school I had another one of those nights when I got extremely intoxicated. A guy I know from Phoenix, Arizona came down to see me and took me out to dinner. He was nice and yes he spent the night at my house and he bought me a big bottle of vodka. So I drank it a few nights after he left because I felt so lonely. OMG it was a bad idea. I got molested by a strange guy and then my landlord that night. How did this come to happen? Well, while I was intoxicated somehow I got this strange guy over and he tried to fuck me, but I refused. He forced me to inhale poppers and then that’s when I lost my complete mind. He got kicked out from my landlord because I screamed before I lost my mind. Then my landlord saw that I lost my mind and took advantage of that moment. I don’t know what he did, but he told me he sucked my d*** and that I touched his. EWWWW!! How did I find out? Well when I woke up the next morning he told me what happened and was smirking. I so wanted to kill him right then and there but I just ran to my room and cried and promised myself I would move out soon and never drink. I dumped my vodka and I have been four weeks completely sober since then!

I do want to move out though! I can’t stand my landlord anymore. He’s such ¬†a hypocrite and a pervert. He watches gay porn like it’s entertainment. He thinks that I’m gonna have sex with him when he is 83 years old!! His name is Norman Bouma and I can’t stand him anymore. Everyday I ignore him and I get tired of him always walking around in his underwear and shitting on his clothes and expecting me to do his laundry for him. It disgusts me and I’ve lost all respect for him. I plan on pressing charges on him when I move out because he has got to be stopped! I’m not the only college kid he’s molested! And when I move out I bet he’s gonna look for another victim. AND THIS GUY IS 83! Unbelievable! Some people just don’t grow up. I can’t stand it! I lost all respect for him.

Just lastnight tho (and I know this is jumping ahead a little, but oh well) he threatened to kick me out. He said he has had enough of me treating him like crap and not talking to him. I yelled in his face lastnight that I lost respect for him and that I didn’t appreciate the fact that he molested me (I don’t even know if he may have raped me!). I told him I was tired of him thinking that some 20 year old was gonna want to be his boyfriend and love him. I told him I was disgusted by the fact that he has like 10 dildos in his bathroom drawer and that I basically know when he’s using them because my bedroom is right next to the bathroom and then I always find his damn shit in the sink or in the shower. Plus he makes the damn bathroom smell. Oh and did I mention he does poppers too!? Yeah, I told him I was disgusted and just horrified. He just smirked and told me if I wanted to get out than I could.

It makes me angry though because I DO want to move out but I am stuck here because I have no money to pay for another place and no other families will take me in. Anyways, I am stuck here, but if he does give me an eviction notice then I’ve chosen to personally fuck his life up. You see, he isn’t out to his family and his church. I will personally expose his ass and I won’t regret it. If he wants to fuck my life up and think I’m not gonna care and not do anything about it he is wrong. I will steam roll him over. ¬†I know it’s not christian but I am done being used and stabbbed in the back. WHOEVER HURTS ME FROM THIS POINT ON WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT!!

I am done tho with these fake ass b.s. men. Like ok, there’s this guy I know, Zach Silva who is a youth pastor at some church in Granville. He is christian and preaches to the kids he works with sexual purity! WTF!? Like what a hypocrite! He slept with me and kept begging to fuck me and I was like hell no. He did try to fuck me but it was unsuccessful Thank God! Then there was this other guy I knew, Blake F. ¬†from Grace Bible College who is 19. He said he’s be my boyfriend and then he came over and tried to fuck me but it didn’t work and the next day he blocked me from texting him or calling him! What a ¬†backstabber and liar!! Now, I am thinking about getting back at these two young guys so they will learn their lesson but I am unsure. It angers me tho.

Anyways, I think I’ve written enough today. I will write again later. Peace!!

-Jonathan S Fisher

I’m in the front row in the choir!!! at the end of the video.

IMG_0568[1]

thequeeno2

the queeno3

*Still single and still looking for a real legit boyfriend!! Too much Gay Drama Tho!

The Letter I wrote to My mom and Dad 2 weeks ago

So, two weeks ago I sent this email out to my parents. I never got a reply. I just resent it hoping they will reply. I don’t expect it but it’s worth a try! I kept it G-Rated…haha.

“Hi Mom and Dad,

It’s Jonathan =) Just thought I would write to y’all and let y’all know what’s been up with me lately. Well, as you guys know I got into college and I am about finished up with the semester!! I have averaged a B in my grades (which is above average) and I am looking forward to moving on to the next semester! This semester was really good for me, as I did take three classes this semester with 7 credits (Math 097: Basic Algebra and mathematics, MUS 189: College Choir, and CLS 100 Introduction to college studies). My next semester is planned in five classes: MUS 120: Introduction to Piano, MUS 112: Basic Music Theory, MUS 189: College Choir, MUS 151: Applied Non Music Major (These are the vocal lessons), and lastly MUS 103: Applied Performance Class (This is the class I Have at the end of the month when I appear to the jury for them to judge whether I move up to the next level in music lessons).
So that is the plan for my next semester. I am very excited and thrilled I will be learning music and piano. I took pre-requisites this ending semester (fall 2013) and did very well as mentioned before (I received a B either way because tomorrow I take the final in Math 097 and I am quite confident I can pass it). Choir has been fun and Is graded on attendance. I never miss choir because it is so fun and I’ve grown to master my vocal range somewhat (I am a First Tenor in training). We had our first concert October 13 and performed Les Miserables and Bridge Over Troubled Water. It was fun!!! I was nervous because it was my first concert performing but I performed quite well and am looking forward to our next concert which is December 9th!
So yeah, I also have a part time job with workstudy working with the music department. 15 hours a week and it isn’t a hard job at all! I also am anticipating on recording a Christmas album soon (not professional, but a demo) and I also am trying to plan on going to America’s Got Talent Summer 2014 (as I have the option to take the summer off). I am working on developing this talent and totally am pursuing my dream to become a popstar!
But I am not perfect and I’m not trying to paint a perfect picture. By all means, I still face problems. For one, I recently had to admit I’m an alcoholic because I was drinking like crazy. I also got into debt by $400 but I quickly repaid it back (I won’t say how, but let’s just say I stopped doing that because Jesus spoke to me). I’ve been raped. I’ve been accused of many things too. I struggle too. All my money I make now goes for a place to stay and my phone bill. I struggle hard because I don’t have parents to support me (*but that’s ok tho*). Amazingly through all my stress and hurt and pain, I still pass in school and get good grades. That’s because I’ve set my priorities straight and I DEEPLY care about my future.
Yes, I believe in Jesus and God and I attend church regularly on sundays. I also am part of the young adult/college life ministry and the pastor has connected with me. It’s good living here in Grand Rapids, Michigan and Attending Grand Rapids Community College. I will be earning my Associates Degree in Music.
Mom, if u read this I just wanted to let you know that what you taught me about cleaning and cooking is being used quite well and I am very clean and still cook a lot ‚̧ . When people ask me how I know how to do so many good things I was always tell them to thank my mom. Haha. I love u and I still care. I wanna see u but whatever. soon enough I guess.
Well Thanksgiving is a week away and I hope y’all enjoy it! I will miss everyone and be thinking of u guys but it is what it is. I’ve forgiven y’all and I pray everyday that Jesus will change your hearts and let me back in. It hurts and I cry so many times and I’ve been suicidal before about it but I have learned to let go (altho family movies and some memories triggered do get me depressed sometimes and I cry a lot,). I wrote a song about the pain and that helps too. I don’t hate y’all. I don’t dislike y’all. I know I am still gay.
Infact, I am still looking for the right man to marry. I’ve been through a lot of breakups and stuff but I still look for the right man that would wanna marry me and adopt kids and make a family. A man that will accept me for who I am. It’s hard tho because all the men in Grand Rapids are whores but I still try. It’s all about patience tho.
well, I need to go and do some things. Hope you read this mom. And dad. Reply back please?
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays ‚̧
Love,
Jonathan Stephen Fisher
NEW: I HAVE BEEN INTO PHOTOGRAPHY TOO! CHECK IT OUT! Thanks!
I hope they reply soon!

Updating U Part 2

So last time I had to quickly go and finish up working. Yeah, now I am sitting here alone in bed naked just typing this blog. It’s a silent Friday night and I’m locked into my bedroom to keep myself away from drinking alcohol (We have not come to that story yet on how I came to realize I am alcoholic but hopefully I will cover that in a few). I am craving it so bad and all I’ve gotta do is get out of my bed and go to the cabinet, but I’m controlling myself tonight because I know where it would get me! So anyways, I am gonna hopefully finish bringing y’all up to date with my life.

Before we get started, I realized I forgot to mention that I bought in a new room-mate a few weeks before. He seemed nice and he was 28. We’ll call him Manny (As I’m pretty sure he’s gonna kill me if I were to mention his real name. We have a bad relationship right now, but I will get to that in a minute). He seemed nice and he moved in right way down in the basement. So, I officially played Realtor there for a second.

Well, anyways The Fall Retreat came around. Calvary had said it would cost me $27.50 to attend and I was like oh that’s ¬†nothing and decided to go. That weekend changed me! I learned a lot about how God wants me to be closer to him and how technology thwarts that. I also made a few new friends from the church and I poured my whole heart out that weekend. I was blessed and cried when I had to go home. I had left that weekend with a sense of peace and tranquility about my relationship with God and a new understanding. It was a wonderful retreat.

Then things got out of hand again. I’m not sure how but then I got into a fight with my landlord and we started to fight about me paying my rent and then he just said I needed to get out soon. Then I started to see Chris Surfus. Chris was a nice guy. He was. We went on 5 dates and we saw “Machete Kills” together. We went for a midnight stroll one time. Then things got complicated and I started to doubt him. He was a big guy and he kept talking about sex. I didn’t want sex. And then like I just couldn’t see myself having sex with him and he got mad. Then he had “Swine” by Lady Gaga and this song had not been officially released yet. I saw my chance and took the song and leaked it online. Chris ¬†got upset texted me and told me he was through with me. He said I was disrespectful for leaking the song and that I wasn’t living to please him. Needless to say, he threw some insults at me too but ¬†I just laughed it off and reminded myself that men will always have what I call a “hissy fit” where they will try to find something imperfect in me and try to pull me down. They won’t ever because I know who I am and I feel like I am a sweet, kind, and lovable guy with a few problems.

So with that said we broke up and I moved on. You know, I almost got into trouble for leaking “Swine” by Lady Gaga and now it turns out it was the real song afterwards. The FBI called me and asked me if I had any other songs and I told them no so they let me go. I basked in my glory anyways while it lasted. I actually leaked a real song! OMGaga! But yeah, after Chris I decided to give men a break and this young lady by the name of “Alice” asked me out. I totally accepted and we’ve been going out. She’s a nice girl and everything, but she’s more lesbian because I can tell. She’s got me in tangles and emotionally messed up. Honestly I want a meaningful relationship where somehow will want me for me and accept me if I change.

I don’t know honestly what I’m gonna do. Because I Love men, but I have discovered I won’t be opposed to being and caring for a woman. I just can’t bring myself to have sex with her. I don’t know what you call that. I mean I have no problem taking pants off a man or sleeping with him. I don’t know if I’m comfortable doing that with a girl because I’m scared to. I need a girl ¬†who is dominant and masculine who will take control in the bed. ¬†I need a girl who will know I have them fears and dominantly take them and crush them. I though Alice would do this but lately I’ve been getting this impression she likes girls more. That’s all she talks about and is always asking me if I found her a girl.

But anyways, I also had a hard time recently because last Friday night I did my usual drinking thing. Usually on Friday nights, I drink a couple of glasses of vodka to get drunk. Well, I think It was a horrid time to drink because I was broken over Alice and the night before I had gone trick-or -treating and slept with a guy who I asked to be my boyfriend. He rejected me and told me I was too much to handle. Not only that, but Alice texted me that day saying I was cheating on her. I was broken that night. I had been through too much and it was emotionally disturbing me.

So I drank. I drank too much. I ended up tossing and turning and butt naked flopping and flailing like a fish that night. I was out of control and even one of my new friends, Jakob Adrian Shouse, had seen it. ¬†I had him on the webcam before I lost all conscientiousness. I blacked out and supposedly spent the next 4 hours moaning, screaming, flailing, flopping, crying, and doing whatever. ¬†Here is a video that “Manny” recorded.

I was crying in that video and all I could think of was my parents. I in fact did give a pretty good religious fight there in my drunkenness. I have watched this video over and over again. All the time I really am amazed at it and what I said. The pain of all the years resonated in my voice very well in that video and I am not surprised. Even ¬†when I’m sober, that same pain I expressed in that video is still there. It gets worse everyday and I think I will Always have that hole punched in my heart. Even then, God is still alive in my life and I DO firmly believe in Him. I could never reject God!

So anyways, I spent that Saturday in a hangover and then that very Saturday evening Norm said I needed to get out right then and there. He was upset because I drank his vodka and rum. He wanted repayment and I couldn’t provide it. So, those next two days (Saturday and Sunday) I spent the whole time looking for another place to live and stressing out about it. I had to get the cops involved and I had to threaten to press charges on Norm. I even got into a bad fight with “Manny” and we are not the best of friends right now. ¬†In fact, I completely ignore him and I am very scared to talk to him. I’ve kept my distance.

So with that being said, I apologized to Norm about everything and I agreed to pay him $350 by December 11th to stay November and December. There may be an option to stay for the month of January but we will see then. ¬†I also admitted I am an alcoholic and I am trying to attend AA meetings. I am relieved though, because I was really stressed out about everything. I am still stressed because I missed my final exam on my one class and then I’ve got to figure out this money issue. I also am in finals with this Math class, but overall the shelter issue is covered (Phew!).

Right now I am doing ok. It’s a Saturday night and I made it through the weekend without drinking a lick of ¬†alcohol (Congrats!) and I am quite still dealing with some things. For one, this one guy Brian Carmer got mad at me and threatened to tell the town I’m a horrid person and that I’m a whore. Why? Because like omg I put this ad on Craigslist advertising I wanted a boyfriend and then he emailed me. I was like uhm ok and then I looked at his facebook photos and was like omg he’s too old. I didn’t want to tell him and avoided it. Well that was a mistake on my part and when it came down to it, he got mad and told me he’d be a jerk. ¬†Whatever though.

Just last night (Friday) my old lover from Pennsylvania texted me. He said he still cared for me and that he was still single. He also said that he hasn’t forgotten me. I cried. I still care for him too and my heart is heavy for him. I wish I didn’t leave. I told him I’d move back to Pennsylvania ¬†in two semesters. ¬†He said he might come down in December to see me. I hope he does.

Anyways, I think I’m done writing here. See ya later. And Thanks for reading my fans ‚̧

IMG_20130922_163214[1]

IMG_20131020_101928[1]

IMG_20131013_135111[1]

-Jonathan S Fisher

IMG_20130922_163207[1]