Jonathan S Fisher's Life Adventures

Posts tagged ‘anger’

9 Months almost

Well Readers,

It’s been almost 9 long months with this guy. 9 months. The baby should be due by now. I’m just joking but really it’s been almost 9 months. It’s been a hard 9 months to be honest with you all. We have had our struggles and fights and trials. Even as I write this, things are not good. There’s a bad vibe going on right now but I will enclose details later. For now, I am going to try to do my best to catch you readers up with what’s been up. I don’t know where to start so I will go all the way back to Christmas 2014. almost 5 months ago. Here it goes:

Christmas mostly sucked. I was in a bad mood that day and James’ friend Silas (Name has been changed due to privacy) came over. I didn’t really like his friend Silas and we didn’t get along because he was a “slut” and I couldn’t stand him talking about his sex life and stuff around us. We went to dinner for Christmas Eve which was really good. I ordered a overcooked burger with fries. It was nasty. Then we drove around town for a bit, headed home, and crashed for the night. I woke up Christmas morning and was upset because I had received no gifts and I was missing my family. I was so pissed off that the whole day was affected by that. James’ friend took us to Key West and when we got to the 7 mile bridge I totally broke down and got suicidal threatening to jump off the bridge. James’ friend didn’t appreciate this and instantly escorted us all to the car and drove us home. He then left and said he didn’t want to come back until I was sane. I was fuming angry then because he was calling me names and telling me I was retarded. I told James to never let him in our house ever again! I eventually cooled down and James and I spent the rest of the Christmas day watching movies and just laughing.

New Years was completely ok. James and I stayed home and watched the New York Ball Drop Party. We also drank some liquor and ended up passing out at the end of the ball drop with lots of Liquor leftover. I was still missing my family a lot and there was a lot of pain but I got over it very quickly. New Years passed and then a couple of days went by and I got intoxicated with the remaining liquor (vodka). I went crazy. Not sure how, but James and I both believe that the spirits from our next door neighbors came over and possessed me and I went crazy. I tore a cemented pole out of the ground (no kidding!!!) and I was wild like an animal. James called the cops and I was baker acted into the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. That was a scary event I shall never forget!! I was possessed by a spirit…and it wasn’t a good one. It was a very violent and angry one. It tore the whole house apart and like I said before, tore the cemented pole out of the ground! It caused a lot of damage and James was frightened. The police even said they believed I was possessed! Well, I spent that time in the psychiatric hospital and I learned my lesson to never drink liquor like that again! To this day I won’t allow myself access to liquor like that because we are still in the same house and I do believe the spirits still live in the house right next to us.

Anyways, nothing else really exciting happened after that. James and I have been trying to piece ourselves together. Sometimes we work and sometimes we don’t. It’s an ass kicking relationship really and sometimes I don’t want to be in it. We fight a lot over finances. I try to get jobs and keep them but I always seem to lose them. 😦 . I got a job in March 2015 working at Holiday Cruise Line and that lasted for three days because I lost interest fast. All I was doing was selling cruises to customers over the phone and it was the stupidest job I’ve ever had. I was making no sales and kept getting hangups. I got frustrated and just quit. I found out just this month they were shut down from the FBI anyways because they were selling illegally. That’s about the only job I’ve held since the new year. I’ve been busy helping James with his truck hauling business (in which I get 50% of the total cost) and cleaning house. I also been busy trying to hack my wii (I Forgot to mention we bought a new Wii) and other stuff. I got a tax refund of $1000 at the end of January so I bought a new computer and new stuff. Then I participated in a research and got awarded $125 . I bought a new bike with that. Then James bought an XBox 360 with his tax return which was cool, We also got another dog and named her Tinkerbell (She’s a Chihuahua mixed with mutt).

It’s been a wild ride and I am blessed to be alive.  Just this past month James got laid off from his job and we had to go to the state for assistance with our rent. It was horrible but we made it through and God blessed us. There was a time in March we both ran out of food so we had to ask the state for assistance again. Ugh, things just keep getting complicated and it’s tearing me and James apart. I honestly hope we can stick it out but lately we’ve been fighting about finances and me getting a job. I am trying to get a job at Big Lots as a cashier but I don’t know. James and I are slowly falling apart and I am gasping for air because I don’t know what I am going to do without him. I applied for Job Corps and hopefully they will pull through but I am very nervous. I hope we last but it’s uncertain.

Well I need to go.

I’ll write more later.

Thanks for reading!

6 Months later

Hello Readers,

Sorry I haven’t written in like forever. Six months to be precise. I just haven’t been motivated and been so busy with fighting for disability, moving job to job (I’ve held 3 to 4 jobs by now), taking care of my relationship with my boyfriend (Still with the same guy, James Thompson but it’s been really hard), and then moving to places. So I may start this post today and finish it like 3 months later or something. I just been really busy and my life has changed and everything has been crazy.

So in short explaining what has happened between James and I: We still are in an open relationship. We once were close to closing it but he messed up and hurt me so I decided to keep it open. We get into a lot of fights over stupid stuff. We fight over finances, housework, and most of all we fight over how many guys I been seeing. It’s a different kind of relationship. Some would say it is abusive on BOTH sides. I admit that I am a little of a hard ass on James. I totally fucked up a lot but he has too so it’s really a 50/50 scenario. I cry a lot because sometimes I don’t think this is the relationship i want to be in. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to feel vindictive when James hurts me. I don’t want to feel like i want to leave him. I don’t want to feel like we are never going to get married. I want peace. My biggest hurdle and struggle is finding the change I need to change in myself.

I think about it everyday. I know i need to change something about me. I’m doing something wrong here. Maybe I’m being too ungrateful by asking for help with chores around the house when James works two jobs and I work nothing (although i do admit I’ve been trying really hard and have held 3 to 4 jobs by now). Maybe I’m being a little harsh when I go to hookup with a guy and I have sex with him and I hardly have sex with James (heart throbbing….I’m sorry). I know there’s a lot I can change and I am trying to. For one, since i can’t seem to hold a job I am trying to fight for SSI Or disability so I can help James financially. For two, I try my hardest not to have James do a lot of chores (I try hard. I do the dishes when I can and I clean house everyday). For three, I don’t hook up as much as I should. Most of the time I lay back and just don’t hook up. I don’t know, it’s all a maze for me and it stresses me out a lot because sometimes I lash out and say hurtful things to James just to destress and then later I regret it when I see him cry or get super emotional.

James and I have been in a relationship for six months now and it’s been a ride. This has been the longest relationship I’ve been in. What has kept him and I together after all the pain and hurt has been done? James says it’s love. I don’t know what to call it because I don’t think love hurts. Now, don’t get me wrong I do care for James a lot and I do love him but I don’t know what love is. I mean, my reasoning is that love shouldn’t hurt like this but slowly I guess I am accepting the fact that love does hurt. We’ve made memories too! Good memories have kept me with James. Then I also really like James’ humor and his caring heart. Whether he wants to realize it or not, I am still attracted to him and he still can turn me on. Sometimes my bipolar gets in the way and I am lose interest but after it all I still love him and still care deeply and am attracted to him.

We’ve made good memories. One of the best memories was we did move out again and have our own apartment now. We moved out of Anthony McCoy’s house around December and got an apartment downtown Fort Lauderdale! Guess what!? We also adopted a small female beagle and Named her Neena!!! So by January 1st 2015 we moved fully into our new 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment at $750 a month and had us a little pet to take care of. I instantly fell in-love with Neena! She became my little Princess and I spoiled her everyday. To this day I still spoil her and give her the best treatment ever. Neena became the best thing that has ever happened to me because she loves me unconditionally and she would never hurt me. Hell, there was once when James opened the front door and she ran out the door. James chased her but she wouldn’t come to him. When I called her name she just ran straight to me and licked me. I was happy! That meant she wanted me! I love my dog Neena and she means the world to me!

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Another happy memory James and I made was the time when we went to the beach!! We had so much fun! We went all the way to Miami and had a little picnic at a nude beach called Haulover Beach. It was so much fun because I have never been nude on a beach before and I simply enjoyed being in the water nude and seeing all the people see me in my birthday suit! James never got nude because he didn’t feel comfortable but I was happy and free! We had a great time that day and took some pics. Here are some:2014-12-07 16.14.39

I had so much fun that day and that was a good memory. Maybe one day soon we will go back but for now it is a little chilly outside. Another great memory James and i made were the times we went out to eat! I can’t describe the exact number of times we went out to eat but we had the funnest times then. Once we went to Golden Corral and our server was a spanish lady who didn’t speak English quite well and she was serving tea to another customer and then asked the other customer if she wanted more tea. Now, James thought she said “Would you like some more Tina?”. Him and I were dying of laughter and we made sure to leave the waitress a good tip. Then the best restaurant yet him and I went to was called Sweet Tomatoes. That was the best food but rude customers.

Thanksgiving was fun. We went to James mum’s house in Uvalda, Georgia and had dinner and spent time with his mum. I loved his mum! She was a little ratchet and loud just like me and she understood my mental conditions and could relate to my life a lot. Her and I are alike in many ways. She loves to cook and clean and she also loves half the shows I watch on tv and she also loves pets like I do. She is very ratchet like me (Ratchet means very loud and obnoxious) and loves to talk! I loved his mum and I can’t wait to see her again! His step-dad was ok but very quiet so I didn’t really connect with him. His mum had a lot of cats and one dog. The cats loved me and I was entertained.

Christmas and New Years was just plain normal. We both drank on New Years and went to bed drunk while watching the ball drop. James’ Friend, Paul came over Christmas day but it didn’t end so well. I am not going to disclose details on what happened as I may get sued for even mentioning his name on this blog but it didn’t end pretty and Paul went back home. All I can say about that day was that I was mad as hell because James hurt me that day by calling me an idiot in front of 15 people and I cried and was suicidal because it hurt. At the end of the day, James apologized and I forgave him.

Other than that, not much has happened. I already explained the whole relationship thing. I did file for SSI for my bipolar, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety, and ADD issues. I got denied once and appealed it. Waiting on the decision but it is looking good so far. Other than that nothing else is new. I hope people are reading my blog because I don’t see who reads it. Please comment!! Thanks!

-jonathan-

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That was me at the manor 

 

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Me at the Manor with LadyGuy DiscoDiva:

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OUR NEW BED:

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Well Have a great day!! Don’t forget to check out my Twitter and Facebook for daily updates!!!

God Bless!!

-Jonathan-

Los Angeles, California Here We come!

It’s funny how things can change in an instant, and that’s what happened with me. Ok, so Obviously by the title you can already tell I am moving to Los Angeles, California. Yes, I am and how did this come to be? Well, let’s start at the beginning. So, as I mentioned in the previous post I was and still am failing in classes. I tried really hard and I even got a tutor, Jonathan Jackson. I was still three weeks behind and I know I missed at least a week of class because I was sick. So, with that I had decided enough was enough and planned on dropping out. I know I am on financial aid and that I will have to pay back $10 Grand, but even then if I continued to attend class I would’ve recieved a grade of E and had my financial aid suspended. So, with that I was gonna have to drop out either way.

It’s not only about the financial aid issue,  it was also some deep thinking I did and what a methhead told me. So, there was this one night when I met this guy, Damon P. Rodriguez, who needed a place to stay for the night. So I met him and talked to him for a couple of hours to make sure he was safe. Then I offered for him to crash at my place for the night because he seemed really nice and chill (the only downfalls: He was a methhead and he was HIV Poz….which didn’t bother me. I told him just to not do the drugs in the house and if we did have sex it’d have to be with two condoms). So he stayed at my house overnight and we were actually up 2am talking about my life.  When I had got home with him, my landlord (Norman Bouma) was yelling at me saying I needed to get out and couldn’t have company over any longer. Him and I were yelling at each other because I was like I get 30 days to leave and he was like I want you out tonight. So Damon stepped in and told him I had 30 days and to leave me alone.

I went to my bedroom and was crying. I was “whining” as Damon put it. He said that I had a pretty messed up life and that I was headed in the wrong direction. I asked him what he meant and he said if I wanted to be a PopStar/MovieActor/Model that going to school was not going to help. Yes, I would learn stuff but in the end I wouldn’t need it. He also said I should consider moving to Hollywood and auditioning there because I’d have more luck there than in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So with that, I started the process of thinking about my options I had. I stayed up for 4 nights in a row packing my bags trying to figure out what to do. I questioned myself: Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to move all the way out to the west? Do I really want to move so far away that there may be a chance that I won’t ever see my family again? Do I really want to face the possibly of paying $10K  and possibly end up in jail if I don’t pay it back? I ask these few question plus many more and thought about it real hard. I was exhausted that whole week because it was all I could think of and I was stressed. Either way, I was gonna be homeless and living on the street in 30 days. I had a decision to make.

So with that, I chose to take a shot at Los Angeles, California. I had weighed all my options and came to the conclusion I was going to Los Angeles. My landlord, got extremely mad but then he saw it as a way to get out of pressing charges on me and paid for the ticket. So with that, I went. And Now I am writing this as I am on my way to California. I am scared and I am happy at the same time. I know this could be great or not. But I am taking my chances. So, Hollywood California here we come!

 

The Letter I wrote to My mom and Dad 2 weeks ago

So, two weeks ago I sent this email out to my parents. I never got a reply. I just resent it hoping they will reply. I don’t expect it but it’s worth a try! I kept it G-Rated…haha.

“Hi Mom and Dad,

It’s Jonathan =) Just thought I would write to y’all and let y’all know what’s been up with me lately. Well, as you guys know I got into college and I am about finished up with the semester!! I have averaged a B in my grades (which is above average) and I am looking forward to moving on to the next semester! This semester was really good for me, as I did take three classes this semester with 7 credits (Math 097: Basic Algebra and mathematics, MUS 189: College Choir, and CLS 100 Introduction to college studies). My next semester is planned in five classes: MUS 120: Introduction to Piano, MUS 112: Basic Music Theory, MUS 189: College Choir, MUS 151: Applied Non Music Major (These are the vocal lessons), and lastly MUS 103: Applied Performance Class (This is the class I Have at the end of the month when I appear to the jury for them to judge whether I move up to the next level in music lessons).
So that is the plan for my next semester. I am very excited and thrilled I will be learning music and piano. I took pre-requisites this ending semester (fall 2013) and did very well as mentioned before (I received a B either way because tomorrow I take the final in Math 097 and I am quite confident I can pass it). Choir has been fun and Is graded on attendance. I never miss choir because it is so fun and I’ve grown to master my vocal range somewhat (I am a First Tenor in training). We had our first concert October 13 and performed Les Miserables and Bridge Over Troubled Water. It was fun!!! I was nervous because it was my first concert performing but I performed quite well and am looking forward to our next concert which is December 9th!
So yeah, I also have a part time job with workstudy working with the music department. 15 hours a week and it isn’t a hard job at all! I also am anticipating on recording a Christmas album soon (not professional, but a demo) and I also am trying to plan on going to America’s Got Talent Summer 2014 (as I have the option to take the summer off). I am working on developing this talent and totally am pursuing my dream to become a popstar!
But I am not perfect and I’m not trying to paint a perfect picture. By all means, I still face problems. For one, I recently had to admit I’m an alcoholic because I was drinking like crazy. I also got into debt by $400 but I quickly repaid it back (I won’t say how, but let’s just say I stopped doing that because Jesus spoke to me). I’ve been raped. I’ve been accused of many things too. I struggle too. All my money I make now goes for a place to stay and my phone bill. I struggle hard because I don’t have parents to support me (*but that’s ok tho*). Amazingly through all my stress and hurt and pain, I still pass in school and get good grades. That’s because I’ve set my priorities straight and I DEEPLY care about my future.
Yes, I believe in Jesus and God and I attend church regularly on sundays. I also am part of the young adult/college life ministry and the pastor has connected with me. It’s good living here in Grand Rapids, Michigan and Attending Grand Rapids Community College. I will be earning my Associates Degree in Music.
Mom, if u read this I just wanted to let you know that what you taught me about cleaning and cooking is being used quite well and I am very clean and still cook a lot ❤ . When people ask me how I know how to do so many good things I was always tell them to thank my mom. Haha. I love u and I still care. I wanna see u but whatever. soon enough I guess.
Well Thanksgiving is a week away and I hope y’all enjoy it! I will miss everyone and be thinking of u guys but it is what it is. I’ve forgiven y’all and I pray everyday that Jesus will change your hearts and let me back in. It hurts and I cry so many times and I’ve been suicidal before about it but I have learned to let go (altho family movies and some memories triggered do get me depressed sometimes and I cry a lot,). I wrote a song about the pain and that helps too. I don’t hate y’all. I don’t dislike y’all. I know I am still gay.
Infact, I am still looking for the right man to marry. I’ve been through a lot of breakups and stuff but I still look for the right man that would wanna marry me and adopt kids and make a family. A man that will accept me for who I am. It’s hard tho because all the men in Grand Rapids are whores but I still try. It’s all about patience tho.
well, I need to go and do some things. Hope you read this mom. And dad. Reply back please?
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays ❤
Love,
Jonathan Stephen Fisher
NEW: I HAVE BEEN INTO PHOTOGRAPHY TOO! CHECK IT OUT! Thanks!
I hope they reply soon!

This is it!

So this evening I went on my Adam4Adam account and was seeing who was gonna flirt with me tonight. This was the result:

I am done with these stupid men trying to ruin  my life. I’m gonna find them and put their asses in jail!

-Jonathan S Fisher