I swear I opened this diary to type something. My mind is so blank right now I am just staring at the screen just going through my mind of ideas. I could write about a lot! A lot? What’s that…? Could write about my life or music. Could totally start writing that book I wanted to write so bad. I am wasting a paragraph trying to figure out what to write. Do I even make sense anymore? Do people even read my stuff anymore? Am I relevant? It’s all racing through my mind tonight. I guess I am going into a manic episode and I know I need to go to bed too but I can’t. This always happens when I go through a manic. I do hate having bipolar depression. It’s horrible
Ok, Let’s just be real. I came here to write about my life. There’s so much I can write about and so much I have to cover. I’ll start with Miami, but let me say I am writing this at 1am in the morning. I know, totally irrelevant but whatever. So, James and I BROKE APART and for a month there he was going to work and I was playing with other dudes on the side and trying to seek another boyfriend. It wasn’t working out and James and I were fighting a lot and getting into arguments. There was an incident one time when he was in the house and I was angry at him and we were arguing. I wanted to get out of the house and this guy was messaging me on Grindr asking me to come to his place. I was so angry that I agreed to go to his place and he came and picked me up. He was so nice at first calling me baby and such but when we got to his house he immediately got dominating and forcefully took my clothes off and told me to bend over. I was scared and said no, but he kept pushing me against the bed. Yeah, he raped me and I cried and I had to call James to pick me up. James just laughed and said I’d get over it but that he was glad I didn’t get killed. I can’t believe I got raped. It hurt and that day changed me so much!
James and I relationship went ever more further down that day and we started fighting nonstop and I raised my voice a lot and him and I just weren’t working out at all. So one day when he was working (He had a stay at home job at the time) him and I were in a heated argument about where I was going to sleep permanently (at the time I was still sleeping on the couch on and off and sometimes I’d sleep with him) and I suggested to him that if he was so sick of me being there than to send me back to Los Angeles. I don’t know how or why but he Agreed and bought me a Virgin America plane ticket back to Los Angeles!! That very day of departure I started to think about everything! I was making a HUGE decision and I was taking all the bravery and guts to be homeless in Los Angeles again. I cried a small tear of regret as my plane was taking off and I knew I was going to return to Fort Lauderdale one day, perhaps. I also felt a sense of love from that last hug that James Thompson gave me. I did have second thoughts as the plane was taking off, but I chose to move on. This was a dead horse not to be beaten at anymore! So with that I moved to Los Angeles.
Los Angeles was fun!! Being there the second time I changed things up a little and got a job within 4 weeks of being there at Target working as a cashier and I also started going to music lessons here and then and gained a little more confidence of being me. I do need to tell you that it wasn’t easy at first!! Within the first week I was literally sleeping on the street in bush. I was cold and lonely. I felt horrible and I was also starving as well, but I was determined not to let that get me down!! I reached out to my friends I knew before and asked them advice and I also went to Covenant House California every day to see if I could get into the shelter. After A week, my friends J.R. Wright and David R Persley let me stay at their apartment for a bit sleeping on their couch and they were making sure that Covenant House California was doing their job of letting me get into the program and within 3 days I was in the shelter safe and sound! It was cool being in the shelter. They changed the rules and my curfew was 7pm to start (which wasn’t bad) and the food was better too! My caseworker was awesome too and worked so well with me!
I’ve got to say that being in Los Angeles the second time was a thrill. Even as I write this, I am considering the option of going back a year from now if all my plans work out (I will explain later). I had fun walking the walk of fame once again and meeting new people. I relished in the glory of visiting the bath houses there (in other words I was a slut) and I treated myself to food and a lot of commodities. I lived the life of luxury while I could. I went to the beach a lot and I did date a few guys here and there but none of them stayed. One of the guys I remember really broke my heart. His name was Prince and he was handsome. He was actually A Black dude I really thought I was going to be with but I don’t know why but he left me when I told him my life story. Other than that, not much really happened in Los Angeles. I did celebrate my 21st birthday! It was stupid because all I did was go to the gay bar in west Hollywood (The Revolver) and drink one shot which cost me $5. Other than that I had a horrible 21st birthday and I cried that day. Oh and I also did once go to the Bear Bar one Thursday night (The Fault line) and I met Ben Zook and the main cast members of “Where The Bears Are” (A gay show). I was happy but they didn’t really speak to me a lot. I Honestly think Ben Zook was attracted to me because he kept following me and kept looking at me. I left the bar that night crying though because no one would speak to me and I felt like I wasted a lot of money.
Other than that, I think the rest of my life in Los Angeles for the three months I was there was about legit and lame. I spent like half my time working at Target West Hollywood as a cashier and a lot of time at either Melrose Spa or Midtown Spa because I knew I would never find a guy to be with. I wanted to pursue acting and singing but with work getting in the way all the time I just kind of gave up on that and put it to a rest. I did sign up for the Voice auditions there but my vocal teacher said I wasn’t ready (And now looking at myself I can freely and with no regret say That I WAS NOT ready!) so I didn’t go. Oh and I also got to speak to Adam Lambert too on kik but that faded away and he stopped texting me (legit tho!! I didn’t think it was real either till he sent me photos and a video! I freaked out at first but I did speak to him for about three weeks straight!). I also purchased the New Samsung Galaxy Note 4 august 21st and have had it since then. Awesome phone and the best one I have ever had!
Working at West Hollywood Target was a fun experience and probably the best job I’ve held since my career life began! My bosses were easy to work with and they gave me legit hours. The coworkers were awesome as well and I even might add I had a coworker flirting with me and I was blind to see it! I made a few friends while working there and got their snapchats. We chat every now and I am friends with three of them on Facebook. My boss said she was sad to see me leave but that if I ever came back to Los Angeles that she’d hire me back in definitely! It was awesome working there! You won’t believe this but I even rung up Gwen Stefani one day and didn’t realize it till my coworker told me who it was! Everyone was staring at me when it happened and I was like ok whatever and when I finished the transaction she just smiled and left! Now, at this moment I didn’t know who Gwen Stefani was but when I went on lunch my coworker was like dude you totally served Gwen Stefani today and didn’t know who she was! I looked her up and sure as hell I died in shock. Not really but it surprised me! So there you have it. Oh and another celebrity I saw was Leslie Jordan himself in West Hollywood!! He was sitting at the West Hollywood Starbucks just drinking coffee and reading the news! I didn’t get pics of it but it was awesome!
So yeah, working at Target was awesome but I was making minimum wage there and I couldn’t find any places to live. The homeless shelter wasn’t letting me advance to their next level program and I technically was falling behind a lot. I became dissatisfied with my life and wanted to move on. I felt like I needed to move. My friends from Michigan were begging me to come back so I chose to go back! So with that I bought a plan ticket to Michigan and moved back to Grand Rapids Michigan September 19 2015! I had no regrets leaving Los Angeles. Was glad I was getting away from Los Angeles and the expensive lifestyle I had there. The only thing I regretted was leaving Target! It was so fun working there and my boss even cried when I said goodbye! I will miss Target and maybe just maybe move back there in year.
So when I moved back to Michigan I actually got back on my feet quite quickly! I stayed at my friend’s House (Karleem’s house) for a month and acquired a fulltime job working at Meijer store as a Cashier. I started at minimum wage ($8.00 An hour but when 2016 came in it was raised to $8.50) but they gave me up to 40 hours and that was enough. I acquired the job around October 7th and by the time three weeks had passed I was ready to get a place of my own as Karleem and his girl were being threatened to be evicted out because they didn’t pay their rent for 2 months. I also had the desire to move because Karleem and his girl were always fighting and putting my religion down. Their house was smelly too and I just wasn’t getting along with Karleem at all. So I started looking for rooms for rent in Grand Rapids. I checked craigslist and apartments.com and many other places. Within 2 weeks I found one and the guy was only asking $250 a month which included all utilities and water and free Wi-Fi and a washer and dryer in the basement! At the time of move in he was only asking $125 because it was the 15th so I took it! I had found an awesome deal and I am glad I did! I am still residing in the same place 4 months later! I have had no problems with my room mates and no problems with the house! In fact, Me and my roommate (I have two…one is the landlord and is gay. The other is str8 but funny) actually hit it off the first night quite well because he took me to a bar and brought me a beer and was laughing and got to know me. I liked him!! He was awesome and is my best friend at the moment!
Shortly after moving into my new place, Karleem and I got into a fight and it didn’t end so well. He threatened to take my life so I got a PPO filed against him and we no longer speak. Also another crazy thing is that all the friends that were begging me to come back to Michigan all weren’t even speaking to me at all! I attended Calvary Church once again and they didn’t seem to care as much as they did two years ago. I did feel a change and then I slowly started to slip into a deep depression realizing I lost all my friends I had before and they didn’t care for me much anymore. Then Adam Anderson stepped into my life. He just approached me at Calvary Church and was like hey bro let’s hang out. He was very nice in the beginning and he seemed like a perfectly good gentleman. He was giving me rides and told me to call him anytime I needed anything. He seemed so nice and friendly. Then I told him I was Gay. That’s when things started to slide and that’s when I Started realizing he had a problem with me being gay. At the time, I felt so thankful to God for getting me so far in life that I went to Mason Sherrill and Adam Anderson and told them I wanted to get baptized. They shot me down! They said I had to change my lifestyle and the ways I act in order to be baptized.
This enraged me and that’s when I started questioning my faith and values. I started to drink and slipped into a deep depression. I was literally drinking a lot and one night I drank so much that I wanted to commit suicide! I cried out in despair and anguish to God to save me because I started drinking more and then I blacked out. I woke up the next day with a slight headache and realizing that religion was dragging me down. I kind of stuffed it thought and continued to go to Calvary Church denying the fact that every time I left there I’d feel depressed and suicidal and rejected.
So the holidays came and Meijer decided to make me start working 60 hour weeks (12 hour shifts…5 days a week) and I became even more exhausted. It got worse, my feeling of loneliness and rejection and Adam kept pressing on me that I needed to change. Thanksgiving came and I had dinner at Adam’s place. We talked and laughed but when I got home I cried and started drinking. Then I just fell asleep and pushed it away. Christmas came. I bought my friends Tiffany Love and Alexandra Blair and I also gave my two roommates Christmas gifts as well. The sad thing is that I never got anything in return but that was alright with me. Christmas 2015 was about giving back to the people who made a difference in my life that year! I was happy for a while there giving those gifts. And then another surprise and blessing happened!! The day before Christmas eve My youngest sister hit me up on Instagram and commented on my blog saying she missed me and Merry Christmas! I cried and I was excited!! I then told everyone around me I was happy and that it brought hope and peace back into my life! I was so happy and then Adam Anderson stepped in. He invited me to Christmas dinner with him and his family so I went and I kind of knew it wasn’t going to turn out so well.
Adam Anderson picked me up that night from work and we started talking about my day and all. Then I told him how I was on top of the world because my sister was speaking to me. Then he literally went there. He started attacking me about how it was wrong for me to be talking to my sister because it was against my parent’s approval and that’s against the Bible. He also said my parents had the full right to throw me out and that they will let me speak to my sister when they wanted. I then started slipping down and I yelled at him and said I am done with this bullshit God stuff and I started crying and all but I brushed it off and had dinner with them. The dinner was lovely. We ate some squash soup with beef and salad. Then afterwards they gave me my gifts (a shirt, two hoodies and two pairs of pants) and Adam said he needed to take me home. We got into the car and as we were driving back to my place Adam kept reiterating that I shouldn’t be talking to my little sister and how being Homosexual was against the bible. Yeah, once I got home I felt empty and like a failure and got out my bottle of rum and drank until I passed out. I woke up the next morning feeling crappy but I got through the day crying and asking God why. Afterwards I went to work the next day and stuffed my emotions. I forget how long I stuffed them for but one night I got so drunk that I cried out to God and I was throwing up because all the stuffed emotions were coming out. I felt lost and rejected and sad. Well, let’s just say I called Adam that night and I cried so much and he put me to sleep saying I’d be ok and to call him when I was sober.
I Woke up the next morning crying in pain. I decided to call out of work. I mean, I was still feeling crappy and suicidal. I felt lost, lonely, and worse. I wondered why I was still alive. I drank practically the whole bottle of Rum. I should’ve been dead. God, I cried out so much that day and then as the day began to progress I reached out to my Facebook friends and they all told me what the hell was my problem. It was Adam and Calvary Church. They were leading me to suicide. They were making me feel worthless. So with that I called Adam up and told him I was done. I no longer could handle the negativity and that I almost lost my life twice because of him and Calvary Church. He tried to convince me to stay but I put my foot down. I said I know that God loves me unconditionally and He don’t care that I am gay! I also concluded that I DO NOT believe the Bible is 100% true and accurate and that some homophobes put their bigoted views in it. Also told him that I don’t think God minded me speaking to my sister and that I would continue to do so because it’s the only thing that made me feel like I belonged and was loved. Ya know, he did say I was messed up and everything but that was the last time I ever went to Calvary Church and I feel FREE!!! I have never felt so much better in my whole life letting go of all the negativity in my life.
So I continued to work at Meijer and New Year’s came. My sister was little quiet for a little bit but we started talking again around New Years and she began to tell me so much more about her. She’s the town model and loves to play softball. She also told me a bit more about what’s been going on in the family. Christopher got a girl pregnant and had a baby boy. Britany got married to some fat balding guy named David and they live in a house together (she’s not pregnant yet but I do expect to hear that this year!). Bradley is still in a mental hospital and is doing fine there (figures!). Lorenzo got engaged to a white girl and got her pregnant. Craig is in Sophomore year in high school and is involved in sports. That’s all cool. Mom apparently doesn’t go to church anymore and doesn’t believe in SDA No more (That was a shocker but apparently she still hates gays!). Apparently also Tiffany swears up and down like a sailor and mom doesn’t care. They all have changed. I did reach out to my dad to see if I could come home for a visit. He told me to kill myself! Yes, I cried and almost did commit suicide when he said that but then I remembered my life is far more precious than what my parents say about it and that my sister is looking up to me. I have a purpose on this earth and it hasn’t been fulfilled yet!
So yeah, I started the New Year 2016 with no goals but working at Meijer still and performing karaoke. As the end of January came to an end I decided I wanted a better body so I have started working out and trying to lose weight. It’s a hard process though but in a year from now hopefully I will be 145lbs instead of my 215 I weigh right now. I started working out and I also have gotten into writing lyrics. Me and my sister still talk on and off. I am still staying at the same place and rent hasn’t been a problem to pay! I am doing so well.
You know I have had some different experiences as well. Just about three weeks ago I went to see Breaking Benjamin and Starset Live at the Orbit Room. It was awesome seeing Starset Perform live and I got VIP!! I was front stage and got a photo with the band members! I bought their cd as well and got their autographs!! It was great. Breaking Benjamin was boring and disappointing. Made me feel worthless and cry all the way home. I don’t think I will be seeing Breaking Benjamin Live ever again! It was depressing and pointless. However, on the other side of that I also found out that Celtic Woman is doing a show in June at DeVos Hall!! I am excited and am definitely going to see it!! I am buying the tickets in April and Hopefully I will be able to get VIP meet and Greet with that as well!! It should be fun!!
So just one last thing and then I will be finished with this post (I know…I can hear the sighs of relief…LOL). I had an experience the other day that made me appreciate being alive once more. It also made me realize I DO have a purpose to be living and that God WANTS me alive! So anyways, just the other day (on the 17th) I was lying in bed and taking a selfie when I heard this loud BOOM! It shocked me and I got up thinking that maybe my candles busted (As I do have two candles I burn every night in my bedroom and just that day I left them burning all day because I spent all day in my room). I checked those and they seemed still intact. So then I thought well maybe my roommate dropped something So I went outside and asked him what happened and he was like nothing. So then I looked around and sure as hell I noticed a hole in my wall and my door and as I looked into the kitchen I saw a hole in my room mate’s door as well! It took me a minute to realize it but then I realized they were bullet holes!! So then I searched for the bullet and found it laying there right on the floor! This scared me and I started hyperventilating and going into shock! I started freaking out that someone was after me and wanted to take my life! My roommate (being the awesome guy he is) sat me down in the bedroom and told me to calm down. He called the cops and they came to investigate the scene. I couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I had been in the direction of that bullet! My life would’ve ended and I would’ve died alone and sad. I promised myself that I would make my life better after that and live like every day is my last! I am so glad it didn’t hit me and missed me and my roommate by 5 inches! The police did an investigation and found out there were two shots fired! The other one barely missed the window by which I lay and if it had gone up it would’ve killed me or hurt me. My guardian angel was watching after me and made that bullet hit the concrete!! I am so thankful to be alive and I PROMISE to make life more precious from this point on! That was a scary experience but I am glad no one was hurt. Police can’t identify the suspect but they do believe it was linked to the robbery that happened down the street from us! Like I said before, I am glad I lived!!
Well, I have decided that in a year I am going to move back to los angeles or Miami!! I am saving my money (doing the 52 week challenge money thing) and studying to get my driver’s license so that next year at this time I can just drive to either Miami or Los Angeles and make a life there! I hope it works out! It should! Anways, it’s time for bed!! It’s almost 4am here. And I need to wake up at 6:30am to catch the bus to work. oh and by the way, I have been single for 6 months now. 🙂 Single is fun! Goodnight!! And thanks for reading and your support!!
-Jonathan S Fisher
That was my picture with Starset!!