Sorry I haven’t written in like forever. Six months to be precise. I just haven’t been motivated and been so busy with fighting for disability, moving job to job (I’ve held 3 to 4 jobs by now), taking care of my relationship with my boyfriend (Still with the same guy, James Thompson but it’s been really hard), and then moving to places. So I may start this post today and finish it like 3 months later or something. I just been really busy and my life has changed and everything has been crazy.
So in short explaining what has happened between James and I: We still are in an open relationship. We once were close to closing it but he messed up and hurt me so I decided to keep it open. We get into a lot of fights over stupid stuff. We fight over finances, housework, and most of all we fight over how many guys I been seeing. It’s a different kind of relationship. Some would say it is abusive on BOTH sides. I admit that I am a little of a hard ass on James. I totally fucked up a lot but he has too so it’s really a 50/50 scenario. I cry a lot because sometimes I don’t think this is the relationship i want to be in. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to feel vindictive when James hurts me. I don’t want to feel like i want to leave him. I don’t want to feel like we are never going to get married. I want peace. My biggest hurdle and struggle is finding the change I need to change in myself.
I think about it everyday. I know i need to change something about me. I’m doing something wrong here. Maybe I’m being too ungrateful by asking for help with chores around the house when James works two jobs and I work nothing (although i do admit I’ve been trying really hard and have held 3 to 4 jobs by now). Maybe I’m being a little harsh when I go to hookup with a guy and I have sex with him and I hardly have sex with James (heart throbbing….I’m sorry). I know there’s a lot I can change and I am trying to. For one, since i can’t seem to hold a job I am trying to fight for SSI Or disability so I can help James financially. For two, I try my hardest not to have James do a lot of chores (I try hard. I do the dishes when I can and I clean house everyday). For three, I don’t hook up as much as I should. Most of the time I lay back and just don’t hook up. I don’t know, it’s all a maze for me and it stresses me out a lot because sometimes I lash out and say hurtful things to James just to destress and then later I regret it when I see him cry or get super emotional.
James and I have been in a relationship for six months now and it’s been a ride. This has been the longest relationship I’ve been in. What has kept him and I together after all the pain and hurt has been done? James says it’s love. I don’t know what to call it because I don’t think love hurts. Now, don’t get me wrong I do care for James a lot and I do love him but I don’t know what love is. I mean, my reasoning is that love shouldn’t hurt like this but slowly I guess I am accepting the fact that love does hurt. We’ve made memories too! Good memories have kept me with James. Then I also really like James’ humor and his caring heart. Whether he wants to realize it or not, I am still attracted to him and he still can turn me on. Sometimes my bipolar gets in the way and I am lose interest but after it all I still love him and still care deeply and am attracted to him.
We’ve made good memories. One of the best memories was we did move out again and have our own apartment now. We moved out of Anthony McCoy’s house around December and got an apartment downtown Fort Lauderdale! Guess what!? We also adopted a small female beagle and Named her Neena!!! So by January 1st 2015 we moved fully into our new 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment at $750 a month and had us a little pet to take care of. I instantly fell in-love with Neena! She became my little Princess and I spoiled her everyday. To this day I still spoil her and give her the best treatment ever. Neena became the best thing that has ever happened to me because she loves me unconditionally and she would never hurt me. Hell, there was once when James opened the front door and she ran out the door. James chased her but she wouldn’t come to him. When I called her name she just ran straight to me and licked me. I was happy! That meant she wanted me! I love my dog Neena and she means the world to me!
Another happy memory James and I made was the time when we went to the beach!! We had so much fun! We went all the way to Miami and had a little picnic at a nude beach called Haulover Beach. It was so much fun because I have never been nude on a beach before and I simply enjoyed being in the water nude and seeing all the people see me in my birthday suit! James never got nude because he didn’t feel comfortable but I was happy and free! We had a great time that day and took some pics. Here are some:
I had so much fun that day and that was a good memory. Maybe one day soon we will go back but for now it is a little chilly outside. Another great memory James and i made were the times we went out to eat! I can’t describe the exact number of times we went out to eat but we had the funnest times then. Once we went to Golden Corral and our server was a spanish lady who didn’t speak English quite well and she was serving tea to another customer and then asked the other customer if she wanted more tea. Now, James thought she said “Would you like some more Tina?”. Him and I were dying of laughter and we made sure to leave the waitress a good tip. Then the best restaurant yet him and I went to was called Sweet Tomatoes. That was the best food but rude customers.
Thanksgiving was fun. We went to James mum’s house in Uvalda, Georgia and had dinner and spent time with his mum. I loved his mum! She was a little ratchet and loud just like me and she understood my mental conditions and could relate to my life a lot. Her and I are alike in many ways. She loves to cook and clean and she also loves half the shows I watch on tv and she also loves pets like I do. She is very ratchet like me (Ratchet means very loud and obnoxious) and loves to talk! I loved his mum and I can’t wait to see her again! His step-dad was ok but very quiet so I didn’t really connect with him. His mum had a lot of cats and one dog. The cats loved me and I was entertained.
Christmas and New Years was just plain normal. We both drank on New Years and went to bed drunk while watching the ball drop. James’ Friend, Paul came over Christmas day but it didn’t end so well. I am not going to disclose details on what happened as I may get sued for even mentioning his name on this blog but it didn’t end pretty and Paul went back home. All I can say about that day was that I was mad as hell because James hurt me that day by calling me an idiot in front of 15 people and I cried and was suicidal because it hurt. At the end of the day, James apologized and I forgave him.
Other than that, not much has happened. I already explained the whole relationship thing. I did file for SSI for my bipolar, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety, and ADD issues. I got denied once and appealed it. Waiting on the decision but it is looking good so far. Other than that nothing else is new. I hope people are reading my blog because I don’t see who reads it. Please comment!! Thanks!
That was me at the manor
Me at the Manor with LadyGuy DiscoDiva:
OUR NEW BED:
Well Have a great day!! Don’t forget to check out my Twitter and Facebook for daily updates!!!