Jonathan S Fisher's Life Adventures

Posts tagged ‘LGBT’

New Life So Far

I swear I opened this diary to type something. My mind is so blank right now I am just staring at the screen just going through my mind of ideas. I could write about a lot! A lot? What’s that…?  Could write about my life or music.  Could totally start writing that book I wanted to write so bad. I am wasting a paragraph trying to figure out what to write. Do I even make sense anymore? Do people even read my stuff anymore? Am I relevant? It’s all racing through my mind tonight. I guess I am going into a manic episode and I know I need to go to bed too but I can’t.  This always happens when I go through a manic. I do hate having bipolar depression. It’s horrible

Ok, Let’s just be real. I came here to write about my life. There’s so much I can write about and so much I have to cover. I’ll start with Miami, but let me say I am writing this at 1am in the morning. I know, totally irrelevant but whatever. So, James and I BROKE APART and for a month there he was going to work and I was playing with other dudes on the side and trying to seek another boyfriend. It wasn’t working out and James and I were fighting a lot and getting into arguments. There was an incident one time when he was in the house and I was angry at him and we were arguing. I wanted to get out of the house and this guy was messaging me on Grindr asking me to come to his place. I was so angry that I agreed to go to his place and he came and picked me up.  He was so nice at first calling me baby and such but when we got to his house he immediately got dominating and forcefully took my clothes off and told me to bend over. I was scared and said no, but he kept pushing me against the bed. Yeah, he raped me and I cried and I had to call James to pick me up. James just laughed and said I’d get over it but that he was glad I didn’t get killed.  I can’t believe I got raped. It hurt and that day changed me so much!

James and I relationship went ever more further down that day and we started fighting nonstop and I raised my voice a lot and him and I just weren’t working out at all. So one day when he was working (He had a stay at home job at the time) him and I were in a heated argument about where I was going to sleep permanently (at the time I was still sleeping on the couch on and off and sometimes I’d sleep with him) and I suggested to him that if he was so sick of me being there than to send me back to Los Angeles. I don’t know how or why but he Agreed and bought me a Virgin America plane ticket back to Los Angeles!! That very day of departure I started to think about everything! I was making a HUGE decision and I was taking all the bravery and guts to be homeless in Los Angeles again. I cried a small tear of regret as my plane was taking off and I knew I was going to return to Fort Lauderdale one day, perhaps. I also felt a sense of love from that last hug that James Thompson gave me. I did have second thoughts as the plane was taking off, but I chose to move on. This was a dead horse not to be beaten at anymore! So with that I moved to Los Angeles.

Los Angeles was fun!! Being there the second time I changed things up a little and got a job within 4 weeks of being there at Target working as a cashier and I also started going to music lessons here and then and gained a little more confidence of being me. I do need to tell you that it wasn’t easy at first!! Within the first week I was literally sleeping on the street in bush. I was cold and lonely. I felt horrible and I was also starving as well, but I was determined not to let that get me down!! I reached out to my friends I knew before and asked them advice and I also went to Covenant House California every day to see if I could get into the shelter. After A week, my friends J.R. Wright and David R Persley let me stay at their apartment for a bit sleeping on their couch and they were making sure that Covenant House California was doing their job of letting me get into the program and within 3 days I was in the shelter safe and sound! It was cool being in the shelter. They changed the rules and my curfew was 7pm to start (which wasn’t bad) and the food was better too! My caseworker was awesome too and worked so well with me!

I’ve got to say that being in Los Angeles the second time was a thrill. Even as I write this, I am considering the option of going back a year from now if all my plans work out (I will explain later). I had fun walking the walk of fame once again and meeting new people. I relished in the glory of visiting the bath houses there (in other words I was a slut) and I treated myself to food and a lot of commodities. I lived the life of luxury while I could. I went to the beach a lot and I did date a few guys here and there but none of them stayed. One of the guys I remember really broke my heart. His name was Prince and he was handsome. He was actually A Black dude I really thought I was going to be with but I don’t know why but he left me when I told him my life story.  Other than that, not much really happened in Los Angeles. I did celebrate my 21st birthday! It was stupid because all I did was go to the gay bar in west Hollywood (The Revolver) and drink one shot which cost me $5. Other than that I had a horrible 21st birthday and I cried that day. Oh and I also did once go to the Bear Bar one Thursday night (The Fault line) and I met Ben Zook and the main cast members of “Where The Bears Are” (A gay show). I was happy but they didn’t really speak to me a lot. I Honestly think Ben Zook was attracted to me because he kept following me and kept looking at me. I left the bar that night crying though because no one would speak to me and I felt like I wasted a lot of money.

Other than that, I think the rest of my life in Los Angeles for the three months I was there was about legit and lame.  I spent like half my time working at Target West Hollywood as a cashier and a lot of time at either Melrose Spa or Midtown Spa because I knew I would never find a guy to be with. I wanted to pursue acting and singing but with work getting in the way all the time I just kind of gave up on that and put it to a rest. I did sign up for the Voice auditions there but my vocal teacher said I wasn’t ready (And now looking at myself I can freely and with no regret say That I WAS NOT ready!) so I didn’t go. Oh and I also got to speak to Adam Lambert too on kik but that faded away and he stopped texting me (legit tho!! I didn’t think it was real either till he sent me photos and a video! I freaked out at first but I did speak to him for about three weeks straight!). I also purchased the New Samsung Galaxy Note 4 august 21st and have had it since then. Awesome phone and the best one I have ever had!

Working at West Hollywood Target was a fun experience and probably the best job I’ve held since my career life began! My bosses were easy to work with and they gave me legit hours. The coworkers were awesome as well and I even might add I had a coworker flirting with me and I was blind to see it! I made a few friends while working there and got their snapchats. We chat every now and I am friends with three of them on Facebook. My boss said she was sad to see me leave but that if I ever came back to Los Angeles that she’d hire me back in definitely! It was awesome working there! You won’t believe this but I even rung up Gwen Stefani one day and didn’t realize it till my coworker told me who it was! Everyone was staring at me when it happened and I was like ok whatever and when I finished the transaction she just smiled and left! Now, at this moment I didn’t know who Gwen Stefani was but when I went on lunch my coworker was like dude you totally served Gwen Stefani today and didn’t know who she was! I looked her up and sure as hell I died in shock. Not really but it surprised me! So there you have it. Oh and another celebrity I saw was Leslie Jordan himself in West Hollywood!! He was sitting at the West Hollywood Starbucks just drinking coffee and reading the news! I didn’t get pics of it but it was awesome!

So yeah, working at Target was awesome but I was making minimum wage there and I couldn’t find any places to live. The homeless shelter wasn’t letting me advance to their next level program and I technically was falling behind a lot. I became dissatisfied with my life and wanted to move on. I felt like I needed to move. My friends from Michigan were begging me to come back so I chose to go back! So with that I bought a plan ticket to Michigan and moved back to Grand Rapids Michigan September 19 2015! I had no regrets leaving Los Angeles. Was glad I was getting away from Los Angeles and the expensive lifestyle I had there. The only thing I regretted was leaving Target! It was so fun working there and my boss even cried when I said goodbye! I will miss Target and maybe just maybe move back there in year.

So when I moved back to Michigan I actually got back on my feet quite quickly! I stayed at my friend’s House (Karleem’s house) for a month and acquired a fulltime job working at Meijer store as a Cashier. I started at minimum wage ($8.00 An hour but when 2016 came in it was raised to $8.50) but they gave me up to 40 hours and that was enough. I acquired the job around October 7th and by the time three weeks had passed I was ready to get a place of my own as Karleem and his girl were being threatened to be evicted out because they didn’t pay their rent for 2 months. I also had the desire to move because Karleem and his girl were always fighting and putting my religion down. Their house was smelly too and I just wasn’t getting along with Karleem at all. So I started looking for rooms for rent in Grand Rapids. I checked craigslist and apartments.com and many other places. Within 2 weeks I found one and the guy was only asking $250 a month which included all utilities and water and free Wi-Fi and a washer and dryer in the basement! At the time of move in he was only asking $125 because it was the 15th so I took it! I had found an awesome deal and I am glad I did! I am still residing in the same place 4 months later! I have had no problems with my room mates and no problems with the house! In fact, Me and my roommate (I have two…one is the landlord and is gay. The other is str8 but funny) actually hit it off the first night quite well because he took me to a bar and brought me a beer and was laughing and got to know me. I liked him!! He was awesome and is my best friend at the moment!

Shortly after moving into my new place, Karleem and I got into a fight and it didn’t end so well. He threatened to take my life so I got a PPO filed against him and we no longer speak. Also another crazy thing is that all the friends that were begging me to come back to Michigan all weren’t even speaking to me at all! I attended Calvary Church once again and they didn’t seem to care as much as they did two years ago. I did feel a change and then I slowly started to slip into a deep depression realizing I lost all my friends I had before and they didn’t care for me much anymore. Then Adam Anderson stepped into my life. He just approached me at Calvary Church and was like hey bro let’s hang out. He was very nice in the beginning and he seemed like a perfectly good gentleman. He was giving me rides and told me to call him anytime I needed anything. He seemed so nice and friendly.  Then I told him I was Gay. That’s when things started to slide and that’s when I Started realizing he had a problem with me being gay. At the time, I felt so thankful to God for getting me so far in life that I went to Mason Sherrill and Adam Anderson and told them I wanted to get baptized. They shot me down! They said I had to change my lifestyle and the ways I act in order to be baptized.

This enraged me and that’s when I started questioning my faith and values. I started to drink and slipped into a deep depression. I was literally drinking a lot and one night I drank so much that I wanted to commit suicide! I cried out in despair and anguish to God to save me because I started drinking more and then I blacked out. I woke up the next day with a slight headache and realizing that religion was dragging me down. I kind of stuffed it thought and continued to go to Calvary Church denying the fact that every time I left there I’d feel depressed and suicidal and rejected.

So the holidays came and Meijer decided to make me start working 60 hour weeks (12 hour shifts…5 days a week) and I became even more exhausted. It got worse, my feeling of loneliness and rejection and Adam kept pressing on me that I needed to change. Thanksgiving came and I had dinner at Adam’s place. We talked and laughed but when I got home I cried and started drinking. Then I just fell asleep and pushed it away. Christmas came. I bought my friends Tiffany Love and Alexandra Blair and I also gave my two roommates Christmas gifts as well. The sad thing is that I never got anything in return but that was alright with me. Christmas 2015 was about giving back to the people who made a difference in my life that year! I was happy for a while there giving those gifts. And then another surprise and blessing happened!! The day before Christmas eve My youngest sister hit me up on Instagram and commented on my blog saying she missed me and Merry Christmas! I cried and I was excited!! I then told everyone around me I was happy and that it brought hope and peace back into my life! I was so happy and then Adam Anderson stepped in. He invited me to Christmas dinner with him and his family so I went and I kind of knew it wasn’t going to turn out so well.

Adam Anderson picked me up that night from work and we started talking about my day and all. Then I told him how I was on top of the world because my sister was speaking to me. Then he literally went there. He started attacking me about how it was wrong for me to be talking to my sister because it was against my parent’s approval and that’s against the Bible. He also said my parents had the full right to throw me out and that they will let me speak to my sister when they wanted.  I then started slipping down and I yelled at him and said I am done with this bullshit God stuff and I started crying and all but I brushed it off and had dinner with them. The dinner was lovely. We ate some squash soup with beef and salad. Then afterwards they gave me my gifts (a shirt, two hoodies and two pairs of pants) and Adam said he needed to take me home. We got into the car and as we were driving back to my place Adam kept reiterating that I shouldn’t be talking to my little sister and how being Homosexual was against the bible. Yeah, once I got home I felt empty and like a failure and got out my bottle of rum and drank until I passed out. I woke up the next morning feeling crappy but I got through the day crying and asking God why.  Afterwards I went to work the next day and stuffed my emotions. I forget how long I stuffed them for but one night I got so drunk that I cried out to God and I was throwing up because all the stuffed emotions were coming out. I felt lost and rejected and sad. Well, let’s just say I called Adam that night and I cried so much and he put me to sleep saying I’d be ok and to call him when I was sober.

I Woke up the next morning crying in pain. I decided to call out of work. I mean, I was still feeling crappy and suicidal. I felt lost, lonely, and worse. I wondered why I was still alive. I drank practically the whole bottle of Rum. I should’ve been dead. God, I cried out so much that day and then as the day began to progress I reached out to my Facebook friends and they all told me what the hell was my problem. It was Adam and Calvary Church. They were leading me to suicide. They were making me feel worthless. So with that I called Adam up and told him I was done. I no longer could handle the negativity and that I almost lost my life twice because of him and Calvary Church. He tried to convince me to stay but I put my foot down. I said I know that God loves me unconditionally and He don’t care that I am gay! I also concluded that I DO NOT believe the Bible is 100% true and accurate and that some homophobes put their bigoted views in it. Also told him that I don’t think God minded me speaking to my sister and that I would continue to do so because it’s the only thing that made me feel like I belonged and was loved. Ya know, he did say I was messed up and everything but that was the last time I ever went to Calvary Church and I feel FREE!!! I have never felt so much better in my whole life letting go of all the negativity in my life.

So I continued to work at Meijer and New Year’s came. My sister was little quiet for a little bit but we started talking again around New Years and she began to tell me so much more about her. She’s the town model and loves to play softball. She also told me a bit more about what’s been going on in the family. Christopher got a girl pregnant and had a baby boy. Britany got married to some fat balding guy named David and they live in a house together (she’s not pregnant yet but I do expect to hear that this year!). Bradley is still in a mental hospital and is doing fine there (figures!). Lorenzo got engaged to a white girl and got her pregnant. Craig is in Sophomore year in high school and is involved in sports. That’s all cool. Mom apparently doesn’t go to church anymore and doesn’t believe in SDA No more (That was a shocker but apparently she still hates gays!). Apparently also Tiffany swears up and down like a sailor and mom doesn’t care. They all have changed. I did reach out to my dad to see if I could come home for a visit. He told me to kill myself! Yes, I cried and almost did commit suicide when he said that but then I remembered my life is far more precious than what my parents say about it and that my sister is looking up to me. I have a purpose on this earth and it hasn’t been fulfilled yet!

So yeah, I started the New Year 2016 with no goals but working at Meijer still and performing karaoke. As the end of January came to an end I decided I wanted a better body so I have started working out and trying to lose weight. It’s a hard process though but in a year from now hopefully I will be 145lbs instead of my 215 I weigh right now. I started working out and I also have gotten into writing lyrics. Me and my sister still talk on and off.  I am still staying at the same place and rent hasn’t been a problem to pay! I am doing so well.

You know I have had some different experiences as well. Just about three weeks ago I went to see Breaking Benjamin and Starset Live at the Orbit Room. It was awesome seeing Starset Perform live and I got VIP!! I was front stage and got a photo with the band members! I bought their cd as well and got their autographs!! It was great. Breaking Benjamin was boring and disappointing. Made me feel worthless and cry all the way home. I don’t think I will be seeing Breaking Benjamin Live ever again! It was depressing and pointless. However, on the other side of that I also found out that Celtic Woman is doing a show in June at DeVos Hall!! I am excited and am definitely going to see it!! I am buying the tickets in April and Hopefully I will be able to get VIP meet and Greet with that as well!! It should be fun!!

So just one last thing and then I will be finished with this post (I know…I can hear the sighs of relief…LOL). I had an experience the other day that made me appreciate being alive once more. It also made me realize I DO have a purpose to be living and that God WANTS me alive! So anyways, just the other day (on the 17th) I was lying in bed and taking a selfie when I heard this loud BOOM! It shocked me and I got up thinking that maybe my candles busted (As I do have two candles I burn every night in my bedroom and just that day I left them burning all day because I spent all day in my room). I checked those and they seemed still intact. So then I thought well maybe my roommate dropped something So I went outside and asked him what happened and he was like nothing. So then I looked around and sure as hell I noticed a hole in my wall and my door and as I looked into the kitchen I saw a hole in my room mate’s door as well! It took me a minute to realize it but then I realized they were bullet holes!! So then I searched for the bullet and found it laying there right on the floor! This scared me and I started hyperventilating and going into shock! I started freaking out that someone was after me and wanted to take my life! My roommate (being the awesome guy he is) sat me down in the bedroom and told me to calm down. He called the cops and they came to investigate the scene. I couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I had been in the direction of that bullet! My life would’ve ended and I would’ve died alone and sad. I promised myself that I would make my life better after that and live like every day is my last! I am so glad it didn’t hit me and missed me and my roommate by 5 inches! The police did an investigation and found out there were two shots fired! The other one barely missed the window by which I lay and if it had gone up it would’ve killed me or hurt me. My guardian angel was watching after me and made that bullet hit the concrete!! I am so thankful to be alive and I PROMISE to make life more precious from this point on! That was a scary experience but I am glad no one was hurt. Police can’t identify the suspect but they do believe it was linked to the robbery that happened down the street from us! Like I said before, I am glad I lived!!

Well, I have decided that in a year I am going to move back to los angeles or Miami!! I am saving my money (doing the 52 week challenge money thing) and studying to get my driver’s license so that next year at this time I can just drive to either Miami or Los Angeles and make a life there! I hope it works out! It should!  Anways, it’s time for bed!! It’s almost 4am here. And I need to wake up at 6:30am to catch the bus to work. oh and by the way, I have been single for 6 months now. 🙂 Single is fun! Goodnight!! And thanks for reading and your support!!

-Jonathan S Fisher

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That was my picture with Starset!!

 

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Prince Charming and Life Construction

Ok Focus……..focus.

So I broke up with James. I know that it’s shocking, but yes we broke up and decided to remain friends. What happened? Long story. I’ll make it as simple as ever. James and I kept getting into stupid fights about petty stuff. Then one night he said people were talking about us in the community and that his friend confirmed it on Facebook. So I didn’t believe him and went and checked his phone and saw his friend was actually the one talking stuff about ME! His friend was saying I was a piece of shit basically and that he didn’t think James and I should be together. This made me angry. James lied to me and this wasn’t the first time he lied to me. Not only that but I also found that James was talking to this 19 year old  about bringing him into the house and having sex with him. I got mad and decided I had enough of it all. I told James he wasn’t my Prince Charming and that we were over and that’s how it ended. James was nice and said I could stay at the house as long as I still contributed to the food expenses and tried to pay the bills when I had money. So him and I ended up being friends and that was 8 months of being in a relationship.

Now that I am single I feel much more free. I feel energetic and ready to conquer the world. I feel more motivated to fix myself and and my life. I am actually trying to pursue going to Job Corps program for Culinary Arts. I really want to fix my life and get a career in whatever and be able to pay my own bills and own my own apartment. I decided that when James and I broke up that I am tired of living the life I am living and that it was time for a change. So with that I am taking one day at a time to change my life. If Job Corps doesn’t work then I plan on going to Broward College part time for Culinary Arts or Childcare and work a part time job as well. This is going to be the hardest struggle of my life. Yes, I know at times I may want to quit but I will have to fight. I am scared. I’m frightened because I may face homelessness and danger. I may face the hardest trials yet but in the long run I will have successfully made my career and defined my life. So let’s hope this works.

I’m going to be honest too. I am desiring a new love story.  I think about it everyday. There is a new man out there looking for me and I am searching for him too. I really thought about the list of things I want this boyfriend to be like and here it is:

10 Basic Things I desire in a man: The official list

1. Honesty above all. I mean, I don’t need no man lying to me and telling me s**t. I need a man who’s honest and not afraid to be blunt and up-front.

2. Unconditional love. Love that’s deep. Love I feel is love. No hurt or pain involved and if mistakes are made they are easy to forgive. Love that lasts and feels like a fairy tale.

3. Steady job and Income. I’m not a gold digger but I really appreciate it when my man has money and knows how to budget and handle his money right. It’s a maturity thing I guess.

4. Sex. Sex everyday if possible. I mean: c’mon I’m horny all the time and I’d love a man who I can have sex with anytime (when possible). I really would like it if he was a dominant versatile top so I can bottom 60% of the time and top whenever I feel like it. I want the kissing and holding to be passionate and wonderful. I want a man who I burn for. I also want him to be open to trying kinky things like leather and bondage and sex toys. I want a good fuck all the time.

5. Appreciation and encouragement. I want a man who appreciates my existence and my talents and pushes me a step further in pursuing my dreams. I mean take me to any classes or anything needed to pursue my dreams. A man who likes it when i cook or bake and appreciates it and A man who likes to hear me sing (because we all know i sing). Also a man who appreciates my music

6. Adventurous. I want a man who knows how to be adventurous and isn’t afraid to go to places. Like to a museum or even out of state if finances permit. Or would love to go on a scary roller coaster or simply to a new club together.

7. Energy and excitement outside of the bedroom. This is a big one. I want a man who loves to be excited to go out in public and be fun. I love to be loud and affectionate in public. I love to make a scene sometimes. I want a man who wouldn’t mind that and would love to be freaky and exciting outside the house.

8. Physically attractive. Okay, so no man is never gonna meet the “Exact criteria” of this part but it’s worth writing about my type. Age doesn’t matter as long as he meets the above criteria. I like young and I like older. I won’t deny that most of my dating life has been older men because most young men fail to meet the criteria and only want sex (NO offense! Prove me wrong). As far as body form goes I really like a thick man. Whether he’s muscular or chubby or just all a little husky it doesn’t matter. I’m not really into skinny because there’s no substance there. I love it when a “beefy” guy has a beautiful ass and wonderful arms with a little belly. Most of all I DO NOT appreciate small packages. Sorry if I sound like A size queen but he’s got have at least seven inches and I have to be able to want it. Most importantly and lastly but not least, He’s gotta be hairy! I don’t like hairless and smooth. It just doesn’t suit me.

9. A man who can accept my emotional problems and help me get away from them and focus on being happy. I’d love my man to make me feel secure and happy with him and when I get emotional he understand knows when to back off and when to give me the attention I need. I’d love for him to watch my back too.

10. Lastly but not least I want us to be happy with each other and not to even consider being open. I want our fire to burn so much we get married and live happily ever after! I want us to be happy with each other and want us to be together forever till we die.

So is this too much to ask!? I don’t think so! What do you think? I may never find this man. I may die trying but I am not concerned about it so much as I am concerned about fixing my life. I may never find that man because the gay community is in a sad state right now. I am hoping for a young love story as in someone younger. I may never find it but it’s worth trying.

Anyways, I will write more later. Here’s to another day of fixing my life and looking for the real Prince Charming ❤ !

-Jonathan

6 Months later

Hello Readers,

Sorry I haven’t written in like forever. Six months to be precise. I just haven’t been motivated and been so busy with fighting for disability, moving job to job (I’ve held 3 to 4 jobs by now), taking care of my relationship with my boyfriend (Still with the same guy, James Thompson but it’s been really hard), and then moving to places. So I may start this post today and finish it like 3 months later or something. I just been really busy and my life has changed and everything has been crazy.

So in short explaining what has happened between James and I: We still are in an open relationship. We once were close to closing it but he messed up and hurt me so I decided to keep it open. We get into a lot of fights over stupid stuff. We fight over finances, housework, and most of all we fight over how many guys I been seeing. It’s a different kind of relationship. Some would say it is abusive on BOTH sides. I admit that I am a little of a hard ass on James. I totally fucked up a lot but he has too so it’s really a 50/50 scenario. I cry a lot because sometimes I don’t think this is the relationship i want to be in. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to feel vindictive when James hurts me. I don’t want to feel like i want to leave him. I don’t want to feel like we are never going to get married. I want peace. My biggest hurdle and struggle is finding the change I need to change in myself.

I think about it everyday. I know i need to change something about me. I’m doing something wrong here. Maybe I’m being too ungrateful by asking for help with chores around the house when James works two jobs and I work nothing (although i do admit I’ve been trying really hard and have held 3 to 4 jobs by now). Maybe I’m being a little harsh when I go to hookup with a guy and I have sex with him and I hardly have sex with James (heart throbbing….I’m sorry). I know there’s a lot I can change and I am trying to. For one, since i can’t seem to hold a job I am trying to fight for SSI Or disability so I can help James financially. For two, I try my hardest not to have James do a lot of chores (I try hard. I do the dishes when I can and I clean house everyday). For three, I don’t hook up as much as I should. Most of the time I lay back and just don’t hook up. I don’t know, it’s all a maze for me and it stresses me out a lot because sometimes I lash out and say hurtful things to James just to destress and then later I regret it when I see him cry or get super emotional.

James and I have been in a relationship for six months now and it’s been a ride. This has been the longest relationship I’ve been in. What has kept him and I together after all the pain and hurt has been done? James says it’s love. I don’t know what to call it because I don’t think love hurts. Now, don’t get me wrong I do care for James a lot and I do love him but I don’t know what love is. I mean, my reasoning is that love shouldn’t hurt like this but slowly I guess I am accepting the fact that love does hurt. We’ve made memories too! Good memories have kept me with James. Then I also really like James’ humor and his caring heart. Whether he wants to realize it or not, I am still attracted to him and he still can turn me on. Sometimes my bipolar gets in the way and I am lose interest but after it all I still love him and still care deeply and am attracted to him.

We’ve made good memories. One of the best memories was we did move out again and have our own apartment now. We moved out of Anthony McCoy’s house around December and got an apartment downtown Fort Lauderdale! Guess what!? We also adopted a small female beagle and Named her Neena!!! So by January 1st 2015 we moved fully into our new 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment at $750 a month and had us a little pet to take care of. I instantly fell in-love with Neena! She became my little Princess and I spoiled her everyday. To this day I still spoil her and give her the best treatment ever. Neena became the best thing that has ever happened to me because she loves me unconditionally and she would never hurt me. Hell, there was once when James opened the front door and she ran out the door. James chased her but she wouldn’t come to him. When I called her name she just ran straight to me and licked me. I was happy! That meant she wanted me! I love my dog Neena and she means the world to me!

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Another happy memory James and I made was the time when we went to the beach!! We had so much fun! We went all the way to Miami and had a little picnic at a nude beach called Haulover Beach. It was so much fun because I have never been nude on a beach before and I simply enjoyed being in the water nude and seeing all the people see me in my birthday suit! James never got nude because he didn’t feel comfortable but I was happy and free! We had a great time that day and took some pics. Here are some:2014-12-07 16.14.39

I had so much fun that day and that was a good memory. Maybe one day soon we will go back but for now it is a little chilly outside. Another great memory James and i made were the times we went out to eat! I can’t describe the exact number of times we went out to eat but we had the funnest times then. Once we went to Golden Corral and our server was a spanish lady who didn’t speak English quite well and she was serving tea to another customer and then asked the other customer if she wanted more tea. Now, James thought she said “Would you like some more Tina?”. Him and I were dying of laughter and we made sure to leave the waitress a good tip. Then the best restaurant yet him and I went to was called Sweet Tomatoes. That was the best food but rude customers.

Thanksgiving was fun. We went to James mum’s house in Uvalda, Georgia and had dinner and spent time with his mum. I loved his mum! She was a little ratchet and loud just like me and she understood my mental conditions and could relate to my life a lot. Her and I are alike in many ways. She loves to cook and clean and she also loves half the shows I watch on tv and she also loves pets like I do. She is very ratchet like me (Ratchet means very loud and obnoxious) and loves to talk! I loved his mum and I can’t wait to see her again! His step-dad was ok but very quiet so I didn’t really connect with him. His mum had a lot of cats and one dog. The cats loved me and I was entertained.

Christmas and New Years was just plain normal. We both drank on New Years and went to bed drunk while watching the ball drop. James’ Friend, Paul came over Christmas day but it didn’t end so well. I am not going to disclose details on what happened as I may get sued for even mentioning his name on this blog but it didn’t end pretty and Paul went back home. All I can say about that day was that I was mad as hell because James hurt me that day by calling me an idiot in front of 15 people and I cried and was suicidal because it hurt. At the end of the day, James apologized and I forgave him.

Other than that, not much has happened. I already explained the whole relationship thing. I did file for SSI for my bipolar, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety, and ADD issues. I got denied once and appealed it. Waiting on the decision but it is looking good so far. Other than that nothing else is new. I hope people are reading my blog because I don’t see who reads it. Please comment!! Thanks!

-jonathan-

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That was me at the manor 

 

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Me at the Manor with LadyGuy DiscoDiva:

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OUR NEW BED:

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Well Have a great day!! Don’t forget to check out my Twitter and Facebook for daily updates!!!

God Bless!!

-Jonathan-

5 Months and A lot

Hey Readers,

It’s that time again. A milestone. I have been in Los Angeles, California for 5 months now. more specifically, I have been living in Hollywood for 5 months now. How has it been? Very Hard and it is still very hard living here. I have thought about moving back to Michigan numerous times and right this moment I am still thinking of it.

So let’s take an overview of the last 4 months (I think I covered the first month already in the previous post). Well, I did hold two jobs! The one job was an internship onsite with Covenant House California. I was a Food Preparation Intern in the Kitchen. My basic duties were to serve food to the residents of the shelter, make snacks, prepare the for needed for dinner and make sack lunches (sandwiches). It was a simple easy job and I was told that i was the hardest working and best performing intern they had. That job lasted for a month and 12 days. Then I accepted another part time job with Melrose Spa.

Melrose Spa was great working at. Mario Sandoval, my supervisor, would bring me in everyday 8am to 4pm to work and I worked really hard. My basic duties were cleaning the bedrooms in the spa (a total of about 30 rooms), cleaning the other rooms and restrooms in the spa, and to clean the jacuzzi out and put fresh water in it. It was a fun job and the environment there was super gay and comfortable (LOL! It was a bath house for real, not a spa!).  I loved my coworker who trained me, Ty. He was super gay and super cute. I honestly looked up to him while working at the spa because he was so free and happy all the time. He made the job funner than it was! Hehe :). So yeah, I held this job for about two weeks and then my supervisor just laid me off for no apparent reason on June 13th (Which also happened to be Friday the 13th! Yikes!).

So with that, those are the only two jobs i have been able to uphold in Hollywood. Typical, eh? Yeah, I have been searching for another job and yes I have been to a couple of interviews already.  I had an interview with Healthy DogSpot Spa LA and that went very well but Marissa (The lady in charge of the business) called me and notified me she found a better match. Then I interview for Target as well on LaBrea and Santa Monica (Located in West Hollywood) and they sent me an email notifying me they weren’t interested. So I am still looking and actively seeking employment. It’s hard out here in Hollywood.

So in other news, boyfriends have been low key really. For a while i was in a relationship with a guy from Long Beach, California who was 36 years old. His name was Matthew Buckner. Him and I kicked it off good at first. We went on a date at the Hard Rock Cafe and we kissed. But then it went downhill from that point on because he kept begging to have sex with me and I was like hell no. Then I said yes but then he wanted me to pay for a hotel room and I was like hell no.  So then i cheated on him and slept with another guy (just a random hookup) and he got upset and then I decided to call it quits with him because him and i weren’t working out.

I mean, it was more than that too. This relationship lasted a month long. Matthew was smoking too much and i kept asking him to stop but he wouldn’t. Then he kept looking at other guys and degrading me. He also made me feel like s***.  He also had issues with playing with my emotions and wouldn’t appreciate the stuff i was doing for  him (such as taking 2 hours out of my day to go see him in Long Beach and dealing with his nasty ass smoking). So I cheated on him and that’s what ended our relationship.  I had the full right to cheat. We did try to keep an open relationship after i cheated on him, but that did not work because I got tired of him bragging about the guys he was sleeping with and then throwing it in my face. So we broke and let me say this: I was glad we did because honestly it was tiring to me!

Since Matthew I have been single. so 2 months? Yup! I won’t deny that I have had numerous hookups since then. I won’t deny I have been kinda slutty.  I have had a few visits to Melrose Spa and Midtowne Spa, yes. I have been safe and yes, I use condoms and get tested. I still want a boyfriend. I am not “looking” as some would say but i still hope for one. There is a guy I am seeing right now but I am thinking about calling it quits because he won’t reciprocate in sex and like all he wants is my ass. I’m like it takes two, not one.

Speaking of hookups, I have to tell you about this one guy.  I met him at the Midtowne Spa. He was 34 and omg he….was…..a……muscle god! His pecs were huge and his arms were massive as well. His legs were like toned so well and like when he took his clothes off…his nude body was gorgeous! Don’t believe me? Oh you just wait till I tell you the next part. Okay, we obviously had sex…lol. Yeah, but you will never guess how freaky the sex was! Like I wondered why it was so freaky and then afterwards when I left the spa I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He looked into my eyes for a whole minute while we were making love and he held my hand passionately. Then he took my hand and look directly into my palm. Then at the end of the sex and all he looked at me and told me everything was going to be ok and that he saw everything. I gave him my number before leaving and kept thinking about what he said. That bothered me.

I went home and couldn’t stop thinking of it. What had he seen? Why did it seem like he got inside of my soul and pried me open? Why was it so freaky? Something wasn’t right and I knew it. So i slept on it and dreamt about the sex. I went on with the day and it bothered me. So then he called me in the evening and I spilled it out. I asked him what he meant and that it bothered me immensely. He then proceeded to tell me he was psychic and that while we were having sex he did a psychic reading on me! I was freaked! No wonder why I felt he crept inside of my soul. He read me and fooled me and I didn’t know! He said that looking into my eyes he saw my past, present, and some of my future. In the moment he looked into my palm, he was trying to read my love life. He said he wasn’t quite sure about the palm reading because I wouldn’t sit still but that he definitely knew my past and present and some of my future. He said he saw a light and that pretty soon I would face some major choices in life. He also said I would face a major choice in the use of meth. He said i would use it.

Now that I choose not to believe since i don’t do meth and I have seen people’s lives destroyed by it. Plus I am afraid of needles. He also said that I would have friends who are jealous of my life and i would be jealous of their life as well. Interesting. He said those friends would introduce me to drugs and I would try some. Gosh, I think this guy misread me because I do everything to stay away from drugs. The only drug I’ve done that my friend, Karleem, introduced me to was pot/marijuana. Even then, here in California it’s not an illegal drug. Why would I do drugs? He did give me a valid reason why tho because I asked him. He said my need for love will become so strong that drugs will be my escape. That’s a pretty valid reason and quite a shocking truth. So with that being said i promised myself i would never do drugs and that he was wrong.  Yeah, I want love but there is no reason for me to do drugs to escape it.

So with that said, I still talk to him everyday or I try to at least. Ok. Moving on.  So besides the sexual drama and boyfriend drama I have also had some personal issues. For one, I did cut my wrist again. Why? Because i got depressed and I have been dealing with my depression a lot lately. I don’t know why. I started writing this blog post in depression, but now i am feeling fine. I have been taking my meds and everything. I think I am getting majorly depressed because I can’t seem to find a stable job or boyfriend. Yes, I still want a boyfriend even though sometimes it seems like I am way too promiscuous to have one. Believe me, when i get a real boyfriend i won’t be promiscuous anymore and i will be committed to him and him only.

I explained earlier I do search extensively for jobs and I try real hard to land interviews. I do my best in interviews too. I guess you could say I don’t try hard enough. I mean, yeah i should try harder.  I am trying real hard to get a job as a cashier in a retail store or a shelf stocker. I love working retail. People tell me I should look for jobs in the food industry such as Mcdonalds or In N’ Out Burger, but really that’s not for me. I have applied to 12 different coffee shops in Los Angeles and I called about 7 of them but they all said they would call me. It’s hard. When i got a job at Melrose spa, I was so happy but then i realized it was working in the “sex” industry and wasn’t quite a notable job to hold.  Sadly, they laid me off but if I could keep it, I think I would. The job paid $9.50 an hour. My paycheck was $700! So yeah, I hope  I can find  a better job that pays just as much. It’s still hard in Los Angeles. I don’t know why, but the employers here are very picky.

In housing news, I am still residing at Covenant House California, BUT I did move up to their 2 year “Rights Of Passage” (ROP) Program! I had to fight to get into this program. One of my friends said i did no work to get into the program and that they just chose me. She was wrong. I had to get up everyday and submit my job search employment contact sheets to my case manager. I also had to attend many “Life Skill” classes and i also had to keep out of trouble everyday to get in the program. Was it easy? No! In fact, it was very exhausting and when I finally was notified I was moved up to ROP I nearly cried! I had won and got what I wanted!

How is ROP? Oh it is ok! There is less drama and it’s more quiet. I only have one room-mate and I can also keep my stuff in my bedroom and not worry about it being stolen. I can sleep in on the weekends if i want to and I also can stay up in my bedroom all day if wanted. luxurious? It sort of is. It still is stressful living there tho. I still have to get up during the weekdays at 830am in the morning and make it to the 9am morning meeting. I mean, it’s not that bad really. Helps me get the f*** out of bed in the morning (LOL!). I wish staff would care more often tho. When I cut my wrist they really didn’t care and just told me not to do it again. They could’ve talked to me and cared. Yes, I still have a curfew. The initial curfew is 10pm but really for me it is 7pm when I have a chore to do. This week I don’t have a chore so I have until 10pm this week. I do not know about next week. Yes, I still have to attend Life Skills classes but it’s ok. I actually like the facilitator of the classes, Kristen. She is pretty and kinda reminds me of my mom a lot.

So yeah. that’s what has been happening. You know, I forgot to mention that i have identified my mental issues. Based on research and a lot of observations of my actions i am classified as Bipolar 1, PTSD, and Manic Depression. I won’t explain in detail what it is in this post but just research it.

So what do you think? Should I stay in California and try harder or Should i move to Michigan?

Thanks for reading!!

-jonathan s fisher.

HOLLYWOOD DREAMS ❤ ❤

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BTW: REMEMBER THE PCITURE FROM LAST YEAR!? My birthday is 28 days away today!!! I will be 20!! Who’s Gonna celebrate with me!!??

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I dyed my hair blonde for the month of June!! Hehe!! One of my friends who live in Pasadena, Mark Starr dyed it for me for $20. 🙂 I loved it!!

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I also bought a new Apple Macbook Pro 13 inch Laptop!!

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Just A few more pics of me at the beach!! I went to Venice, Santa Monica, Malibu, and Will Rodgers State Beach!!! My favorite of them all: Venice Beach!! ❤

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And Finally just a few shots I took with my phone 🙂

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HAVE A NICE DAY!!

Thanks for reading and please share!! Comments appreciated!

-Jonathan S Fisher

 

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY YOUTUBE!!

 

 

 

 

32 Days and Celebrating my 50th post :)

Hey readers,

How’s it going? I am not doing so well today or this evening. I’m feeling a little lonely and down on myself. I am thinking suicidal thoughts (which I think I will always face my whole lifetime). I guess I’m just exhausted and stressed out because I have three interviews  lined up for the next three days (Saturday, Sunday, and Monday). Two of them pertaining to work and the one dealing with DPS so I can get food stamps/medical in California.

So based on my post’s heading or subject, yes I have been living in Covenant House California for 32 days now. It’s been a quite interesting experience tho. Here’s how my schedule was like in the past 30 days:

Monday Through Friday:

7AM-Wake up time. I usually sleep in till 745 or 730 depending on how I am feeling. During this time, we are given the opportunity to take morning showers, Make our beds, and do whatever pertains to cleaning the bedroom. I don’t usually take morning showers so I sleep in. It also don’t take much for me  to clean, as I am clean all the time and organized.

8AM to 830AM- Breakfast. I can’t complain about this because it’s free breakfast and at least they feed me. Some mornings it is good but then some not so delicious, but it’s better than nothing! I have skipped breakfast a few times tho. I think the best breakfast so far that they have served is omelette with Hashbrowns and toast.

830AM to 9:15AM- Morning meeting. This is the time when all the residents and staff of the crisis unit come together and meet in the Multi purpose room to discuss issues and what will be needed to be done for the day.

9:15AM to 1145AM- Case Management and Career Center duties. This is the time when we first meet with our case managers. My case manager is Mrs. Lon Usher (I know, I though it was a weird name too). Miss Lon talks to me about my goals for the day and makes sure I am keeping my mind-set on getting a job and a house. She also kind of annoys me by telling me what to do with my friends and always asking me for employment contact sheets. I think by now she knows I don’t listen to her advice about what to with my friends and life. I run my life and I choose where to put my friends. I am not going to stop putting my friend’s needs first because I love my friends. Mrs. Lon always tells me to put my friends on the back burner. I just say whatever all the time.

After meeting the case manager, it is time to move over to the career center. The career center is awesome and helpful! I have no complaints about it because the staff are friendly and help out in any way they can. I do admit the first two weeks I was in the career center that I gave them a problem because I didn’t want to do the classes and work they were making me take. They had me take a class called Job Prep, which was simply a review of what employers are looking for and  how to land your job. Job Prep also help me create a resume and cover letter, which ultimately did help me. The second class they had me take was called “Interview Workshop” in which I sat through a mock interview and answered questions. It was fine.

So with those two classes, I had to also complete what they called the “Casas Test” which was quite simple and I scored high on it. It was a test involving two parts: Math and English. It wasn’t hard at all. Then I also had to complete an assessment which identified my strengths and weaknesses. It also put me in possible career paths I could be useful in. It was an interesting test and it landed the spot on where I was.

So after taking those classes and tests, My Employment/Education specialist, Monique Randolph, sat me down to discuss my job search plan. We came to the conclusion that my goal was to get a full time job working in Retail and that Monday through Friday I would put in five apps per day and report to her every Monday. Monday and Tuesdays were my on-site days where I would stay at the career center all day and fill out 5 online applications. Wednesdays and Thursdays are my offsite days where I can go anywhere in California but I would have to say where I am going and bring back 5 apps. Fridays were my day when I can choose what I want to do as long as I turn in 5 apps that day. So with that being said, that started my days.

I’ve applied to so many places by now and only had two interviews, but I have a feeling that soon I will be getting a job. It’s bound to happen. Moving on.

12 noon Lunch. Sometimes I skip lunch especially on my offsite days.  The best lunch so far has been Chinese.

1230pm to 430pm- Free time or continued job search . If my five apps are not filled out by this time, I just head right back to the career center and finish. Otherwise I just end up heading down to the Starbucks coffee shop down the street and chill. I usually just sit at the table scanning Facebook or checking my #Grindr or #Growlr waiting for someone to chat with me or hookup. Needless to say when I do hook up, they have been a waste of time with exception of two guys. Yes, I have two guys that I saw that were special, but I will cover that later.

5pm to 6pm- Dinner and Courtyard time. This is the time we eat dinner and spend time outside in the courtyard. Usually all the smokers go in one place and smoke.  I usually just sit on my phone texting people or scanning Facebook and watch the boys play basketball. It’s really boring at this time. Dinner is not bad tho! The best dinner they have served is Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and buns. They always serve salad at every dinnertime.

6pm to 7pm- Lifeskills: Roomtime. This is the time when we all are required to be in our rooms cleaning. Usually, I just lay down on my bed and chat with friends or browse Facebook on my phone. We’re supposed to make our beds, fold any laundry we have or do laundry, vacuum the floor, and tidy up the bedroom. I’m always clean so I never bother because all I really have to do is do a load of laundry every now and then. It’s my personal time.

7pm to 8pm- Lifeskills workshop. These are the classes where we learn various lifeskills such as the importance of Renting apartments, social skills, budgeting, etc. Sometimes the classes help but most of the time I’m just on my damn phone texting friends.

8pm to 845pm- Free time. This is the time when we have a choice on what we want to do. They offer classes in music (Mondays are guitar..which I attend frequently. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are percussion/drums. I attended a couple of these classes but the teacher is like a Pacific Islander or something because he has a weird accent and it’s hard to understand. I can’t stand him so I don’t attend the class and rather just watch TV or browse Facebook on my phone. Thursdays are Piano/Voice days. I go for the voice lessons. I don’t know the woman’s name who teaches voice/piano but she is very nice and right now we are working on my breathing.

Fridays we don’t have any classes so I usually watch TV or hang around.  On Wednesdays, they also offer art classes, which I attend frequently and usually do something with clay. So everything is pretty chill. Like I said before, I usually am on my phone most of the time texting friends or Browsing Facebook. My mind is always with my friends.

845pm to 915pm- Night meeting. This is the time all the residents and the staff come together to discuss current issues in the house and concerns. I never speak up about anything because I just want the meeting to go by pretty fast, but then certain residents in the house are immature and drag it on forever. I just sit there and wait patiently.

915pm to 930pm- Chore time. If you signed up to do a chore for that night then you have to complete it at this time. I usually have two days I sign up to do five chores. Chores are quite simple and easy to do. It’s a bunch of vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning furniture, and taking out trash. Nothing too hard.

930pm- Bedtime. The facility doesn’t shut down anything till 11pm but I am usually in bed by this time.

 

Saturdays and Sundays

Saturdays and sundays are pretty simple and laid back with a slight different schedule. Here is how it goes:

7am-8am- wakeup time. This time is very optional. We only have to wake up if we want breakfast. I usually skip breakfast on the weekends, but there have been times I have gone down and eaten breakfast.

8am to 830am- Breakfast.

845am to 10am- Roomtime. This is the time, if you haven’t eaten breakfast to continue to sleep in till around 945am. I usually sleep till 9am and then get up and take a morning shower. I also make my bed and do day planning.

10am to 12pm- free time. Usually by this time I have left out the door and hang out in Hollywood either at a coffee shop or somewhere nearby. I have walked down the walk of fame and visited the Pantages Theater.  Sometimes I also hook up if I am desiring company.

12pm to 1230pm- Lunch. I don’t usually attend lunch on the weekends. I am usually still out and about away from the facility.

1230pm to 445pm- Free time. The facility usually closes its doors by this time but I am always out and about to miss it.

5pm to530pm-Dinner. Dinner is its usual thing.

530pm to 845pm- free time. They open the bedrooms at 6pm and close them by 7pm. But I usually hang out in the multi-purpose room (they call it MPR) and watch TV and/or browse Facebook on my phone.

845pm to 915pm- Night Meeting. This only takes place on Sunday Nights. Usually on saturday nights they just chill.

915pm to 930pm-Chore time.

930pm-Bedtime.

 

So yeah, that’s how my life has been run the past 30 days here in Covenant House. You’d think that with all this schedule that there would be no room for drama or guys. WRONG! There has been a lot that has happened in those small moments of free time and those weekends. For one, I have been discovering Hollywood more and more and falling in love with it. I have not seen any big celebrities yet, but have been flirted on by Ben Patrick Johnson once. If you don’t know who he is, look it up. Boy! That was my moment of fame there. I felt honored he was flirting with me and his body tho! It was amazing and I couldn’t believe he was flirting with me. That’s why I love West Hollywood now (or WeHo). I go there as much as I can just hoping I would be able to see Ben again. I also go to WeHo too because it’s Gay Town and full of gay men. Infact, there is even a Starbucks I love to go to because there are tons of hot men who walk in and out of there.

Relationship wise, you could say I have been naughty. I slept with a couple dudes here and there, but there were two particular men that were close to being my boyfriend. The first one was Nathan George. He seemed  quite nice. 32 year old white male and gorgeous. At first I was hesitant to meet him because he had told me before that he had herpes, but that we could still have sex when his sores were healed up. So we waited for a couple of weeks and then met in person at WeHo. He seemed pretty nice and was a good singer who was in a band called “The Remedy”. He sang to me and I fell for him hard.

Unfortunately, he wanted sex and took me to Melrose Spa. Oh, we had good sex and we made out and cuddled. It was nice, but the place was not. That very day in the spa, four guys were all over me sucking my dick. I didn’t like that.  So we separated that day and I went home. That very night Nate texted me and said he felt bad and that he didn’t want to do it again. I agreed and told him I didn’t like sex in public sex houses. Well things were fine and then two days later he texted me again. He said he didn’t want me because I was too emotional and that he couldn’t handle me. I was like what the hell and just cried myself to sleep that night. I wished that I wasn’t so emotional and messed up mentally. I wished I had a normal brain and wished that for once that I could just kill myself. I almost did that night. I talked to my lesbian girl friend, Kendra White and she helped me through it. I hope Nathan George finds all the love he wants in another guy. For all I am concerned, he had sex with me and had his share of meat. I hope he’s happy.

Then there was Kyle McMenamin. Gosh, Kyle was different from all lovers I have had. It lasted less than a week, but this time it was my own mistake that tore us apart. Kyle was 29 and homeless. White male and six feet tall.  Good motives and wonderful character. Him and I met on Craigslist and went on a couple of dates. By the third date, I asked him how he felt about me and he said he didn’t want to be boyfriends. Well, I assumed he didn’t want me so I slept with another guy. Well, I told Kyle and he just got upset at me and then it fell apart. He didn’t speak to me for a whole day and then he texted me saying he only wanted to be friends and I haven’t heard from him since then. So he gave up on me just like that. This was just recent (yesterday).

I think I am giving up on love now. All these men want something for me to change and I can never seem to live up to their expectations. I can’t change who I am just to satisfy someone. I am emotional. I am lovesick. I am longing just to be loved. I just want someone to cry with and be reassured I am loved. I guess it’s too much. Sorry, but when you have a traumatic childhood and bad adolescent years you’re bound to be emotional and clingy. Guess I’ll have to live with it.

Anyways, yeah. I am taking a break from love for a while to let the scars on my heart to heal. Guess what!? I experienced my first earthquake! Yes, it was on the 14th of March. A 4.7 magnitude scale earthquake and guess what!? I slept through it! The only way I knew about it was when my room mate woke me up screaming and hiding uder the little desk we have in our bedroom. I just woke up and saw him screaming and yelled “Dude, Calm your tits! It’s just the earth moving” and fell back to sleep. Wow! Just wow! I slept through it! How amazing.

So anyways, I have to go and finish some things up, but I will write later.

*YAY FOR 40 DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD! AND MY 50TH POST ON THIS BLOG!!!!!!*** Congrats!

 

-Jonathan S Fisher

*Follow me on Facebook, where you will get daily updates on my life! Thanks!! :0

-Jonathan

971189_539943262784902_1224073514_n A picture of Kyle and I

8120_160864849720_821718_n A Picture of Nathan George (or Nate)

 

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Los Angeles, California Here We come!

It’s funny how things can change in an instant, and that’s what happened with me. Ok, so Obviously by the title you can already tell I am moving to Los Angeles, California. Yes, I am and how did this come to be? Well, let’s start at the beginning. So, as I mentioned in the previous post I was and still am failing in classes. I tried really hard and I even got a tutor, Jonathan Jackson. I was still three weeks behind and I know I missed at least a week of class because I was sick. So, with that I had decided enough was enough and planned on dropping out. I know I am on financial aid and that I will have to pay back $10 Grand, but even then if I continued to attend class I would’ve recieved a grade of E and had my financial aid suspended. So, with that I was gonna have to drop out either way.

It’s not only about the financial aid issue,  it was also some deep thinking I did and what a methhead told me. So, there was this one night when I met this guy, Damon P. Rodriguez, who needed a place to stay for the night. So I met him and talked to him for a couple of hours to make sure he was safe. Then I offered for him to crash at my place for the night because he seemed really nice and chill (the only downfalls: He was a methhead and he was HIV Poz….which didn’t bother me. I told him just to not do the drugs in the house and if we did have sex it’d have to be with two condoms). So he stayed at my house overnight and we were actually up 2am talking about my life.  When I had got home with him, my landlord (Norman Bouma) was yelling at me saying I needed to get out and couldn’t have company over any longer. Him and I were yelling at each other because I was like I get 30 days to leave and he was like I want you out tonight. So Damon stepped in and told him I had 30 days and to leave me alone.

I went to my bedroom and was crying. I was “whining” as Damon put it. He said that I had a pretty messed up life and that I was headed in the wrong direction. I asked him what he meant and he said if I wanted to be a PopStar/MovieActor/Model that going to school was not going to help. Yes, I would learn stuff but in the end I wouldn’t need it. He also said I should consider moving to Hollywood and auditioning there because I’d have more luck there than in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So with that, I started the process of thinking about my options I had. I stayed up for 4 nights in a row packing my bags trying to figure out what to do. I questioned myself: Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to move all the way out to the west? Do I really want to move so far away that there may be a chance that I won’t ever see my family again? Do I really want to face the possibly of paying $10K  and possibly end up in jail if I don’t pay it back? I ask these few question plus many more and thought about it real hard. I was exhausted that whole week because it was all I could think of and I was stressed. Either way, I was gonna be homeless and living on the street in 30 days. I had a decision to make.

So with that, I chose to take a shot at Los Angeles, California. I had weighed all my options and came to the conclusion I was going to Los Angeles. My landlord, got extremely mad but then he saw it as a way to get out of pressing charges on me and paid for the ticket. So with that, I went. And Now I am writing this as I am on my way to California. I am scared and I am happy at the same time. I know this could be great or not. But I am taking my chances. So, Hollywood California here we come!

 

New Year 2014

Hey all,

Sorry it takes me so long to get back to you all. I guess I just haven’t found the time and motivation to write. For one I’ve been so busy with school and immersed in dealing with drama. Yeah, a lot has happened in my life lately including taking on a new year.  It’s been crazy good and crazy bad. So where do I start?

Ok, we will start at New Years. I don’t remember if I covered Christmas, but basically Christmas was ok and I got a few gifts and one of my friends (Who I haven’t seen since then) took me shopping.  H e bought me a lot of stuff from Five Below (which is my favorite new store) and 7 brand new music cds (Including Britney Spear’s “Britney Jean”. He also took me out to dinner at Texas Steakhouse. I also received a bunch of gift cards to different  stores around Grand Rapids. So I was busy the three days after Christmas Day shopping and enjoying my gifts while they lasted. I also spent it at a strange family’s house and it made me feel uncomfortable because I didn’t even know the people. So, Christmas was good while it lasted and I liked it. Then New Years happened.

No, I didn’t have a great New Years Celebration. all I did was spend it alone moping in tears and pain watching the ball drop. I felt so alone and knew my family was probably enjoying it themselves together. I cried because it hurt so bad to sit there and remember all the good times I had with my family and to think that they weren’t even giving a freak about me.  I cried myself to sleep that night just hoping that maybe this new year would get better and that I’d see my fam sometime soon. In reality, even as I write this at the End of January, I know it is not gonna happen this year. It may never happen.   It hurts so bad to know I lost the love of my life and it was all because of my mistakes and my sexuality. I can’t live with myself sometimes. My friend said I am pathetic and stupid because I won’t let go. Is this true?

Anyways, So when January 3rd came around I bought my books from the bookstore to start my new semester. I also bought a new Samsung Galaxy Tablet 3.  I was excited for the semester because I was taking five classes: Piano, Voice, Music Theory, Choir, and  Applied Performance. So that very next week I went back to school and started the new semester of Winter 2014. I started out so well. Well, come week two I started failing in music theory and then I was failing in Piano Class too because Professor Kenneth Bos was progressing too fast (So was Professor Morris too) So I got behind a week and I still am. Will I ever finish the course on time? Possibly. Most likely not tho because right now I am two weeks behind and got  30% on my test on quiz 1. So I am not doing very well there. Piano class is the same. I am still stuck on Page 8 trying to catch the rhythm and the beat. I possibly was put in the wrong classes.

I want to quit school but at the same time I love singing so much and I want to try harder. I want  to learn my voice and how to write music, but perhaps personal instruction is better of an option for me. With my classes I am in right now it’s all group instruction. I do better with 1on1 instruction. How sad that the college does not offer this. They do offer individual piano lessons but it has to be for majoring in Piano. I’ll never understand colleges these days. Kevin Dobreff, the music Director, knew I had no previous experience in music and that I was completely clueless. Why did he put me in these classes? Do you think he knew I was going to struggle? I have no clue, but I think If I do go to school in the summer I will take their lowest class which is MUS99.

So with that being said, that is where I am at in college right now. I should’ve stuck to doing my GenEds out first. Alas, I’m either gonna fail this semester or something good will happen. I’ll keep trying though. For some reason, I can’t bring myself to quit. This might sound cray, but I think I’m addicted to college and studying and learning new material. I’m always open to learning new material.

Anyways, so I am still attending Calvary Church. I don’t know why though. I’m slowly breaking away from them because there are so many reasons. For one, when I got to college lunch I always sit alone unless I actually put my butt in a group. And no one really talks to me. I secretly know they hate me anyways. I feel their hatred and their minds just saying “He’s such a fag and a sinner and I can’t stand it”. Yeah, I’m gay and there’s nothing wrong with it. Oh and then Mason, the college ministries youth pastor tried to convince me I wasn’t gay and that I needed to be single. I was like excuse me I can be gay and God still loves me and doesn’t ask me to change myself. I know this for sure because I wrestled with it for weeks and I cried out to God earnestly and He didn’t ask me to change. I am also gonna leave because they continually say they will help me stay off the street and keep me from being homeless. Well, I’ve been waiting for a freaking month and still have not gotten anything. So, I’m slowly drifting away and trying to move on.

Ya know, I forgot to mention that before I went to school I had another one of those nights when I got extremely intoxicated. A guy I know from Phoenix, Arizona came down to see me and took me out to dinner. He was nice and yes he spent the night at my house and he bought me a big bottle of vodka. So I drank it a few nights after he left because I felt so lonely. OMG it was a bad idea. I got molested by a strange guy and then my landlord that night. How did this come to happen? Well, while I was intoxicated somehow I got this strange guy over and he tried to fuck me, but I refused. He forced me to inhale poppers and then that’s when I lost my complete mind. He got kicked out from my landlord because I screamed before I lost my mind. Then my landlord saw that I lost my mind and took advantage of that moment. I don’t know what he did, but he told me he sucked my d*** and that I touched his. EWWWW!! How did I find out? Well when I woke up the next morning he told me what happened and was smirking. I so wanted to kill him right then and there but I just ran to my room and cried and promised myself I would move out soon and never drink. I dumped my vodka and I have been four weeks completely sober since then!

I do want to move out though! I can’t stand my landlord anymore. He’s such  a hypocrite and a pervert. He watches gay porn like it’s entertainment. He thinks that I’m gonna have sex with him when he is 83 years old!! His name is Norman Bouma and I can’t stand him anymore. Everyday I ignore him and I get tired of him always walking around in his underwear and shitting on his clothes and expecting me to do his laundry for him. It disgusts me and I’ve lost all respect for him. I plan on pressing charges on him when I move out because he has got to be stopped! I’m not the only college kid he’s molested! And when I move out I bet he’s gonna look for another victim. AND THIS GUY IS 83! Unbelievable! Some people just don’t grow up. I can’t stand it! I lost all respect for him.

Just lastnight tho (and I know this is jumping ahead a little, but oh well) he threatened to kick me out. He said he has had enough of me treating him like crap and not talking to him. I yelled in his face lastnight that I lost respect for him and that I didn’t appreciate the fact that he molested me (I don’t even know if he may have raped me!). I told him I was tired of him thinking that some 20 year old was gonna want to be his boyfriend and love him. I told him I was disgusted by the fact that he has like 10 dildos in his bathroom drawer and that I basically know when he’s using them because my bedroom is right next to the bathroom and then I always find his damn shit in the sink or in the shower. Plus he makes the damn bathroom smell. Oh and did I mention he does poppers too!? Yeah, I told him I was disgusted and just horrified. He just smirked and told me if I wanted to get out than I could.

It makes me angry though because I DO want to move out but I am stuck here because I have no money to pay for another place and no other families will take me in. Anyways, I am stuck here, but if he does give me an eviction notice then I’ve chosen to personally fuck his life up. You see, he isn’t out to his family and his church. I will personally expose his ass and I won’t regret it. If he wants to fuck my life up and think I’m not gonna care and not do anything about it he is wrong. I will steam roll him over.  I know it’s not christian but I am done being used and stabbbed in the back. WHOEVER HURTS ME FROM THIS POINT ON WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT!!

I am done tho with these fake ass b.s. men. Like ok, there’s this guy I know, Zach Silva who is a youth pastor at some church in Granville. He is christian and preaches to the kids he works with sexual purity! WTF!? Like what a hypocrite! He slept with me and kept begging to fuck me and I was like hell no. He did try to fuck me but it was unsuccessful Thank God! Then there was this other guy I knew, Blake F.  from Grace Bible College who is 19. He said he’s be my boyfriend and then he came over and tried to fuck me but it didn’t work and the next day he blocked me from texting him or calling him! What a  backstabber and liar!! Now, I am thinking about getting back at these two young guys so they will learn their lesson but I am unsure. It angers me tho.

Anyways, I think I’ve written enough today. I will write again later. Peace!!

-Jonathan S Fisher

I’m in the front row in the choir!!! at the end of the video.

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*Still single and still looking for a real legit boyfriend!! Too much Gay Drama Tho!