Jonathan S Fisher's Life Adventures

Posts tagged ‘Student’

New Year 2014

Hey all,

Sorry it takes me so long to get back to you all. I guess I just haven’t found the time and motivation to write. For one I’ve been so busy with school and immersed in dealing with drama. Yeah, a lot has happened in my life lately including taking on a new year.  It’s been crazy good and crazy bad. So where do I start?

Ok, we will start at New Years. I don’t remember if I covered Christmas, but basically Christmas was ok and I got a few gifts and one of my friends (Who I haven’t seen since then) took me shopping.  H e bought me a lot of stuff from Five Below (which is my favorite new store) and 7 brand new music cds (Including Britney Spear’s “Britney Jean”. He also took me out to dinner at Texas Steakhouse. I also received a bunch of gift cards to different  stores around Grand Rapids. So I was busy the three days after Christmas Day shopping and enjoying my gifts while they lasted. I also spent it at a strange family’s house and it made me feel uncomfortable because I didn’t even know the people. So, Christmas was good while it lasted and I liked it. Then New Years happened.

No, I didn’t have a great New Years Celebration. all I did was spend it alone moping in tears and pain watching the ball drop. I felt so alone and knew my family was probably enjoying it themselves together. I cried because it hurt so bad to sit there and remember all the good times I had with my family and to think that they weren’t even giving a freak about me.  I cried myself to sleep that night just hoping that maybe this new year would get better and that I’d see my fam sometime soon. In reality, even as I write this at the End of January, I know it is not gonna happen this year. It may never happen.   It hurts so bad to know I lost the love of my life and it was all because of my mistakes and my sexuality. I can’t live with myself sometimes. My friend said I am pathetic and stupid because I won’t let go. Is this true?

Anyways, So when January 3rd came around I bought my books from the bookstore to start my new semester. I also bought a new Samsung Galaxy Tablet 3.  I was excited for the semester because I was taking five classes: Piano, Voice, Music Theory, Choir, and  Applied Performance. So that very next week I went back to school and started the new semester of Winter 2014. I started out so well. Well, come week two I started failing in music theory and then I was failing in Piano Class too because Professor Kenneth Bos was progressing too fast (So was Professor Morris too) So I got behind a week and I still am. Will I ever finish the course on time? Possibly. Most likely not tho because right now I am two weeks behind and got  30% on my test on quiz 1. So I am not doing very well there. Piano class is the same. I am still stuck on Page 8 trying to catch the rhythm and the beat. I possibly was put in the wrong classes.

I want to quit school but at the same time I love singing so much and I want to try harder. I want  to learn my voice and how to write music, but perhaps personal instruction is better of an option for me. With my classes I am in right now it’s all group instruction. I do better with 1on1 instruction. How sad that the college does not offer this. They do offer individual piano lessons but it has to be for majoring in Piano. I’ll never understand colleges these days. Kevin Dobreff, the music Director, knew I had no previous experience in music and that I was completely clueless. Why did he put me in these classes? Do you think he knew I was going to struggle? I have no clue, but I think If I do go to school in the summer I will take their lowest class which is MUS99.

So with that being said, that is where I am at in college right now. I should’ve stuck to doing my GenEds out first. Alas, I’m either gonna fail this semester or something good will happen. I’ll keep trying though. For some reason, I can’t bring myself to quit. This might sound cray, but I think I’m addicted to college and studying and learning new material. I’m always open to learning new material.

Anyways, so I am still attending Calvary Church. I don’t know why though. I’m slowly breaking away from them because there are so many reasons. For one, when I got to college lunch I always sit alone unless I actually put my butt in a group. And no one really talks to me. I secretly know they hate me anyways. I feel their hatred and their minds just saying “He’s such a fag and a sinner and I can’t stand it”. Yeah, I’m gay and there’s nothing wrong with it. Oh and then Mason, the college ministries youth pastor tried to convince me I wasn’t gay and that I needed to be single. I was like excuse me I can be gay and God still loves me and doesn’t ask me to change myself. I know this for sure because I wrestled with it for weeks and I cried out to God earnestly and He didn’t ask me to change. I am also gonna leave because they continually say they will help me stay off the street and keep me from being homeless. Well, I’ve been waiting for a freaking month and still have not gotten anything. So, I’m slowly drifting away and trying to move on.

Ya know, I forgot to mention that before I went to school I had another one of those nights when I got extremely intoxicated. A guy I know from Phoenix, Arizona came down to see me and took me out to dinner. He was nice and yes he spent the night at my house and he bought me a big bottle of vodka. So I drank it a few nights after he left because I felt so lonely. OMG it was a bad idea. I got molested by a strange guy and then my landlord that night. How did this come to happen? Well, while I was intoxicated somehow I got this strange guy over and he tried to fuck me, but I refused. He forced me to inhale poppers and then that’s when I lost my complete mind. He got kicked out from my landlord because I screamed before I lost my mind. Then my landlord saw that I lost my mind and took advantage of that moment. I don’t know what he did, but he told me he sucked my d*** and that I touched his. EWWWW!! How did I find out? Well when I woke up the next morning he told me what happened and was smirking. I so wanted to kill him right then and there but I just ran to my room and cried and promised myself I would move out soon and never drink. I dumped my vodka and I have been four weeks completely sober since then!

I do want to move out though! I can’t stand my landlord anymore. He’s such  a hypocrite and a pervert. He watches gay porn like it’s entertainment. He thinks that I’m gonna have sex with him when he is 83 years old!! His name is Norman Bouma and I can’t stand him anymore. Everyday I ignore him and I get tired of him always walking around in his underwear and shitting on his clothes and expecting me to do his laundry for him. It disgusts me and I’ve lost all respect for him. I plan on pressing charges on him when I move out because he has got to be stopped! I’m not the only college kid he’s molested! And when I move out I bet he’s gonna look for another victim. AND THIS GUY IS 83! Unbelievable! Some people just don’t grow up. I can’t stand it! I lost all respect for him.

Just lastnight tho (and I know this is jumping ahead a little, but oh well) he threatened to kick me out. He said he has had enough of me treating him like crap and not talking to him. I yelled in his face lastnight that I lost respect for him and that I didn’t appreciate the fact that he molested me (I don’t even know if he may have raped me!). I told him I was tired of him thinking that some 20 year old was gonna want to be his boyfriend and love him. I told him I was disgusted by the fact that he has like 10 dildos in his bathroom drawer and that I basically know when he’s using them because my bedroom is right next to the bathroom and then I always find his damn shit in the sink or in the shower. Plus he makes the damn bathroom smell. Oh and did I mention he does poppers too!? Yeah, I told him I was disgusted and just horrified. He just smirked and told me if I wanted to get out than I could.

It makes me angry though because I DO want to move out but I am stuck here because I have no money to pay for another place and no other families will take me in. Anyways, I am stuck here, but if he does give me an eviction notice then I’ve chosen to personally fuck his life up. You see, he isn’t out to his family and his church. I will personally expose his ass and I won’t regret it. If he wants to fuck my life up and think I’m not gonna care and not do anything about it he is wrong. I will steam roll him over.  I know it’s not christian but I am done being used and stabbbed in the back. WHOEVER HURTS ME FROM THIS POINT ON WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT!!

I am done tho with these fake ass b.s. men. Like ok, there’s this guy I know, Zach Silva who is a youth pastor at some church in Granville. He is christian and preaches to the kids he works with sexual purity! WTF!? Like what a hypocrite! He slept with me and kept begging to fuck me and I was like hell no. He did try to fuck me but it was unsuccessful Thank God! Then there was this other guy I knew, Blake F.  from Grace Bible College who is 19. He said he’s be my boyfriend and then he came over and tried to fuck me but it didn’t work and the next day he blocked me from texting him or calling him! What a  backstabber and liar!! Now, I am thinking about getting back at these two young guys so they will learn their lesson but I am unsure. It angers me tho.

Anyways, I think I’ve written enough today. I will write again later. Peace!!

-Jonathan S Fisher

I’m in the front row in the choir!!! at the end of the video.

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*Still single and still looking for a real legit boyfriend!! Too much Gay Drama Tho!

Here we Are

Well, Here I am again. Sitting here at work bored. Nothing to do but stare at this screen and ring the bell when people come in through the door. I am tired actually as I had a rough night lastnight sleeping because there was so much on my mind. I’ve been going through a lot lately and have had a full plate of drama! So yeah, here it goes.

So, Thanksgiving was ok.  I spent it with the Innis Family and it was good. I ate little that day because I was nervous. They were a big white family and their house was so pretty. The kids (younger ones) hardly talked to me. But this one guy, Jay sat down at the piano and let me perform two songs solo. I loved this, as I am becoming more confident in singing and I’d love to work with a pianist to create a solo concert. Anyways, I also talked to the mom, Miss Kari Innis. I told her everything about my life and was 100% honest. I think she liked me but I’m not sure. Anyways, the turkey was smoked and I liked that. There was also stuffing, apple salad, fruit salad, gravy, dip with vegetables, and mashed potatoes. Dessert was pumpkin pie. I liked it and enjoyed it immensely, but I was nervous and kinda upset a little too.

I missed my family during Thanksgiving. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about them. I kept thinking about the last Thanksgiving I had with them. All I remember is that I was in the hospital and I was 17. My family came in to see me and we talked for a little but they left. I don’t remember what we talked about but I remember that it was a different Thanksgiving and probably the last one I would’ve spent with them before they banished me. It personally hurts. I wish they could’ve understood me. I was only looking for acceptance and independence. I was only looking for a real parents and trying to discover who I was. Even with all the stuff they required I do, I don’t feel like it was being myself. I only wanted to be myself.

With that being said, it hurts deeply. It’s like a black hole with no bottom. I wanna fill it inside but every time I try it fails and only leaves me feeling depressed and alone. It shows up on Thanksgiving and Christmastime and it leaves me slightly depressed and sometimes it does make me shut down. This year however, I decided I wasn’t going to shut down and

I kept thinking about what my family might’ve been doing themselves and when the Innis’s Grandpa went to pray I started to cry. It was so beautiful seeing a family all connected and put together through religion. To think, I had that once before my mental issues got in the way and before I came out of the closet. It’s sad and I don’t like talking about it. I never did cry at their house (I shed maybe a tear or two) but I cried that night as I watched an Lady Gaga’s Muppets Holiday Special. I realized that I spent another Thanksgiving without my family. I still ask myself: What have I done to not deserve love and welcome arms? I know I messed up 2 years ago, but for real there is no need to hold a grudge against me Mom and Dad (worse yet, my siblings). It’s not like I killed someone in the family or raped someone. I just don’t understand! I know I hurt them, but they hurt me too. I have forgiven them and moved on. Why can’t they do the same for me? I guess I will never know.

Anyways, before Thanksgiving, I had attended two feasts at my church (Calvary Church) and the campus college Ministry. They went well. Well, at least the Calvary one did. We ate dinner and then we had to pass around a candle and say what we were thankful for. I had cried and said I was thankful for the pain, heartbreak, and trouble I had been through the last year because it has made me a stronger person. It really has and I thank Jesus for helping me through this pain. Then the next day I attended the College Campus’s Dinners. I had a full Thanksgiving and it was a good one.

I cried the night of Thanksgiving and my tears were flowing as I thought about good memories I had of Thanksgivng with my family. I remember those days when my mom would be cooking mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, stuffing, turkey, and what not and I would stand there at the kitchen window watching her do it. I remember my brothers and dad had a tradition to put on a football game outside in the backyard (or at A Park nearby) and I would sometimes play, but usually just watch. I remember when I’d simply smile when we all held hands around the table and gave thanks for the food and each said what we were thankful for. Aah, the memories were so good and I wish I could go back and have those moments again. I think I will always cry on Thanksgiving Day every year until I am with my family again because it’s the special holidays that bring tears to my eyes. I will always love and cherish family.

But yeah, Thanksgiving passed and Christmas is near. I’m kind of looking forward to Christmas because I am going to throw a Party!! I am gonna invite all my friends and have a dinner with games and lastly a gift exchange! It’s gonna be fun and I am looking forward to it. I’ve already bought two gifts for it and the dinner dishes (Lasagna and Cake) plus snack food. I am excited and looking forward to it!!

So yeah, I have one last week of working with my school for this semester and then I am off for 4 weeks. It’s gonna be boring but I go back January 6 hopefully. Anyways, I gotta go and finish up work. I will catch up with y’all later 🙂

 

-Jonathan S Fisher

 

The Letter I wrote to My mom and Dad 2 weeks ago

So, two weeks ago I sent this email out to my parents. I never got a reply. I just resent it hoping they will reply. I don’t expect it but it’s worth a try! I kept it G-Rated…haha.

“Hi Mom and Dad,

It’s Jonathan =) Just thought I would write to y’all and let y’all know what’s been up with me lately. Well, as you guys know I got into college and I am about finished up with the semester!! I have averaged a B in my grades (which is above average) and I am looking forward to moving on to the next semester! This semester was really good for me, as I did take three classes this semester with 7 credits (Math 097: Basic Algebra and mathematics, MUS 189: College Choir, and CLS 100 Introduction to college studies). My next semester is planned in five classes: MUS 120: Introduction to Piano, MUS 112: Basic Music Theory, MUS 189: College Choir, MUS 151: Applied Non Music Major (These are the vocal lessons), and lastly MUS 103: Applied Performance Class (This is the class I Have at the end of the month when I appear to the jury for them to judge whether I move up to the next level in music lessons).
So that is the plan for my next semester. I am very excited and thrilled I will be learning music and piano. I took pre-requisites this ending semester (fall 2013) and did very well as mentioned before (I received a B either way because tomorrow I take the final in Math 097 and I am quite confident I can pass it). Choir has been fun and Is graded on attendance. I never miss choir because it is so fun and I’ve grown to master my vocal range somewhat (I am a First Tenor in training). We had our first concert October 13 and performed Les Miserables and Bridge Over Troubled Water. It was fun!!! I was nervous because it was my first concert performing but I performed quite well and am looking forward to our next concert which is December 9th!
So yeah, I also have a part time job with workstudy working with the music department. 15 hours a week and it isn’t a hard job at all! I also am anticipating on recording a Christmas album soon (not professional, but a demo) and I also am trying to plan on going to America’s Got Talent Summer 2014 (as I have the option to take the summer off). I am working on developing this talent and totally am pursuing my dream to become a popstar!
But I am not perfect and I’m not trying to paint a perfect picture. By all means, I still face problems. For one, I recently had to admit I’m an alcoholic because I was drinking like crazy. I also got into debt by $400 but I quickly repaid it back (I won’t say how, but let’s just say I stopped doing that because Jesus spoke to me). I’ve been raped. I’ve been accused of many things too. I struggle too. All my money I make now goes for a place to stay and my phone bill. I struggle hard because I don’t have parents to support me (*but that’s ok tho*). Amazingly through all my stress and hurt and pain, I still pass in school and get good grades. That’s because I’ve set my priorities straight and I DEEPLY care about my future.
Yes, I believe in Jesus and God and I attend church regularly on sundays. I also am part of the young adult/college life ministry and the pastor has connected with me. It’s good living here in Grand Rapids, Michigan and Attending Grand Rapids Community College. I will be earning my Associates Degree in Music.
Mom, if u read this I just wanted to let you know that what you taught me about cleaning and cooking is being used quite well and I am very clean and still cook a lot ❤ . When people ask me how I know how to do so many good things I was always tell them to thank my mom. Haha. I love u and I still care. I wanna see u but whatever. soon enough I guess.
Well Thanksgiving is a week away and I hope y’all enjoy it! I will miss everyone and be thinking of u guys but it is what it is. I’ve forgiven y’all and I pray everyday that Jesus will change your hearts and let me back in. It hurts and I cry so many times and I’ve been suicidal before about it but I have learned to let go (altho family movies and some memories triggered do get me depressed sometimes and I cry a lot,). I wrote a song about the pain and that helps too. I don’t hate y’all. I don’t dislike y’all. I know I am still gay.
Infact, I am still looking for the right man to marry. I’ve been through a lot of breakups and stuff but I still look for the right man that would wanna marry me and adopt kids and make a family. A man that will accept me for who I am. It’s hard tho because all the men in Grand Rapids are whores but I still try. It’s all about patience tho.
well, I need to go and do some things. Hope you read this mom. And dad. Reply back please?
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays ❤
Love,
Jonathan Stephen Fisher
NEW: I HAVE BEEN INTO PHOTOGRAPHY TOO! CHECK IT OUT! Thanks!
I hope they reply soon!

Weekend

It’s the weekend and I’m sitting here in the kitchen just staring at my computer racking my brain for things to do. Yesterday was fun for me because I slept all day and then went to a gamer’s convention at 3  pm. I only stayed there for an hour and then went home and cooked dinner. Dinner was orange chicken (I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I’ve been eating a lot of Chinese food lately) and then I decided to go to bed again. I slept till about 1am and then I woke up and goofed around on my computer.

I was just Facebook my friends and checking my A4A (adam4adam)  to see if I was to get any hookups for the night (I wasn’t looking for a hookup per se. I was more like looking for a cuddle buddy to fall asleep in his arms). Needless to say, I got nothing that last night and went to bed feeling alone again. I mean, like there was this one guy by the name of Steve who was all into me and talking to me but sadly this morning when I woke up he told me he wasn’t a christian and so I said we weren’t gonna work out because I need a christian man who is gonna encourage me to grow in God and go to church with me.  I can’t marry a man who  is gonna drive me away from God and Jesus. This is one thing that I will only require of my man.

So yeah, I fell asleep alone. Lately, I’ve been feeling lonely. Wishing I hadn’t broke up with some of my exes because then they would be there for me when I have these spurts. I just need someone I can call my own and love and care for. A man who is gonna hold me in his arms ans reassure me that everything is gonna be ok. A masculine man who is dominant in the bed and very confident in himself. A man with a loving heart and a caring mind. A man who can handle me and love me for who I am rather than just sexual. I mean, I want my man to want me sexually but I don’t want that to be all of it. I want a heart to heart connection. I want that burning passion for each other to see each other succeed and pursue our dreams. A man who will love me for who I am and encourage me to grow not only in my religious views, but in my Career and mental stability.  A man who I can be there for and give him anything he wants and be his “bitch” (there are some exceptions to this term, but i think he will get it). A man who will love it when I cook, clean, and organize for him. A man who wants to adopt kids one day and make a family. A man who appreciates family and relationships. I want a manly man.

So there you have it. There is what I need in a man and what I look for (the whole total jest of it? probably). Will I ever find him? Will he find me? After-all, what is it a guy can find in me? I’m not gonna go over that list cause well, he can figure out if I’m right for him. Lately I’ve just been needing a cuddle buddy to cuddle up with. I wanna be romantic again. I wanna kiss my man when he gets home from work. I wanna cuddle up in bed with my man every night and hold him close to me and tell him I love him. I wanna hold hands with him while walking out in public. I wanna make him dinner and spoil him to death. I wanna do his laundry and make his bed and be his wife. I wanna love again. I wanna listen to him and talk to him. I wanna give him passionate hugs and kisses and be passionate in the bedroom. I want to go to church with him and pray with him. I wanna read the Word with him and talk about Jesus. I just want a man to love and I want to be romantic again.

So yeah, that’s how I’ve been feeling lately when I go to bed. I cry about it sometimes because I don’t know if I’ll ever find my other half. All these guys I’ve been seeing all just want me for one thing: sex. They see I’m attractive with a nice bubble butt and a nice package and they just wanna go down on me. Seriously, sex is really getting boring for me because I want more. I cry because it seems like no guys want real love. Well, I’m sorry. I’m not a sex toy. Ya know, it kinda pisses me off too. Like this morning when I told Steve that I didn’t think we were gonna work out he was like “Well, can we fuck at least”. I was just about to scream!! I just texted him and told him I’m not a sex toy. But seriously that disgusted me! Like I am not a sex toy and I am worth more than that! Seriously I should’ve seen that coming tho. Most men have interior motives like that. Gah!

So yeah, I did something nice today actually. I helped my room mate Norm put up the Christmas lights and decorations in his front yard. I was so happy when I did this because  it means Christmas is finally here and it’s time to put my christmas cheer on! I am excited! I even recorded a video this morning with me singing “Let It Snow”

Yeah. I just been In the Holiday Mood lately too. Listening to Christmas Music on Spotify and singing along with it. The other day I was at work just playing my music out loud and my boss was happy to hear it was Christmas music. She just looked at me and asked me to turn it up. So I did just that.  I love Christmastime! It brings me so much joy with all the Christmas caroling and beautiful young kids talking about Santa (no, I don’t believe in Santa, but it’s cute when kids talk about it). The beautiful gift wrappings are nice too. Christmas makes me happy! My favorite Christmas Carol is “Carol of The Bells”. I’ve heard many versions of it but I’ve got to say My Favorite of them all is the one done by “Celtic Woman”.

So anyways, I need to go, but I though I’d share what’s been on my mind. Happy Holidays!!

-Jonathan S Fisher